So many people feel like sculpting their arms means signing up
for a life without fun. You might even think, “I’m no fun when I
don’t eat and drink” or “This event will be unbearable without
snacks and wine.”
We’re taking a look at these two thoughts and how they are
keeping you stuck. I’m going explain how to stop outsourcing the
perception of fun to food and alcohol and learn how to start
having actual fun using the Think, Feel, Act Cycle.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to The Arm Coach podcast, episode
#22.
Hey everybody! I hope you’re enjoying summer, I hope you’re
getting out with friends and family, maybe you’re going to a picnic
or a barbeque, maybe you’re getting ready to go to a summer
festival. Whatever it is, I hope you’re having a great time! I
thought that we would spend some time talking about a topic that
comes up all the time with my clients, and it came up a lot for me
when I first started to try to sculpt my arms and also unwind the
habit of overeating, and that is the topic of having fun.
I wanted to really talk to you guys about this, because I know a lot
of you out there are struggling with this, and I know a lot of you
out there feel like sculpting your arms or losing weight means that
you’re going to stop having fun.
So I hear a lot of versions of these two sentiments. The first is “I’m
no fun when I don’t eat and drink with others” or “This event will
be unbearable if I’m not eating and drinking”, right? So I’m sure
that most of you listening have thought at some point or another,
some iteration of one or both of those thoughts, and I will tell you,
these were thoughts that were just front and center for me as well
when I was first starting to sculpt my arms. I thought especially
the first one, “I’m no fun when I don’t eat and drink with others”
– I thought that all the time, and also thinking about, “Oh gosh,
do I really have to go to this event and drink a club soda? Am I
really going to go to this event, and not eat cake, like oh man,
that’s going to be terrible”, and those thoughts, they kept me stuck
for a really long time and I know that they’re keeping some of you
stuck right now who are listening. Because after all, really, who
wants a life without fun? Nobody does. So I really want to go into
both of these thoughts on today’s episode so you can really start to
understand them and see how they apply in your arm sculpting
journey.
But first, I want to start with talking about what is fun? What does
fun mean? Fun is really anything that we find amusing or
enjoyable or entertaining, right? So maybe you think of other
people, or parties, or hobbies, or outings or activities as things
that are fun. But the question really is okay, if those things are
fun, what makes them fun? What makes a person or a party or a
hobby or an outing or an activity amusing or enjoyable or
entertaining? And that’s where most of us don’t spend a lot of
time thinking. We don’t think a lot about this piece. What makes
something fun?
And most of you will say the thing itself is what makes it fun. So
and so is a really fun person, or that party was fun in and of itself,
or going hiking or going swimming or watching a baseball game,
whatever it is, those activities are fun, that’s what makes it fun.
But now, remember the think-feel-act cycle. Remember what
creates your emotions. What makes you happy? What makes you
feel excited or amused or engaged? What makes you have these
feelings? Your thoughts. That’s how the cycle works. But that’s not
how most of us understand fun. We think that the thing or the
activity itself is fun. We don’t pay attention to our thinking.
I was thinking about how to explain this to you guys, and
something that came to mind was the idea that one person’s
heaven is another person’s hell. You know that expression? So you
know, what I enjoy or find amusing or entertaining is not what
you enjoy or find amusing or entertaining, because you and I, we
don’t share the same thoughts, and if we did, then sure, we would
both agree that the same thing is fun, but our thoughts are
different and so our perception of what is and is not fun is also
different.
So as I was thinking about how to explain this to you guys, I was
thinking about what I really like to do, and I like to do some kind
of offbeat things. And one of them is that I really like folding my
clothes into neat little pouches. I came across a video somewhere
where they were folding their t-shirts, leggings, jeans, socks,
everything, into these tidy little pouches that kept the clothes
folded nicely, even if you dropped them. I was like ‘amazing!’ And
then you can line them up neatly in drawers or in your closet and I
love a neat, organized space.
But anyway, for me, folding clothes has never been a depressing
or boring activity to avoid. To me, it’s always been an activity with
a lot reward, and I really like the look of the neat little pouches
and it’s just so tidy. I’ve always really liked that. But now here’s
the thing, this is why I chose to tell you this example, because
most people do not think folding laundry is fun. Most people
think the exact opposite.
A lot of you listening are probably like, that’s weird. I think
folding laundry is depressing, right? So you and I have different
thoughts. I have thoughts that makes folding laundry into little
pouches fun, and you might have thoughts that makes folding
laundry into little pouches boring or depressing or weird, right?
So the thing that I find amusing or enjoyable or entertaining is not
the same for you, and the reason you don’t necessarily find it
amusing or enjoyable or entertaining, the reason why you don’t
necessarily find it to be fun is because you and I are thinking
different thoughts. So with that example in mind, let’s go back to
the original thought. So the thoughts, “I’m no fun when I don’t eat
and drink with others” or “This event will be unbearable without
eating and drinking”.
I want you to really, really pay attention. Pay attention to what
you are saying when you think to yourself, “I’m no fun when I
don’t eat and drink with others” or “This event will be unbearable
without eating and drinking”. What you are saying is that the
reason something is enjoyable is because of food and drink, and
food and drink alone. The reason something is fun, the reason you
will have a good time or a bad time is because of food and drink,
right? But what makes something enjoyable is your thinking,
that’s how the think-feel-act cycle works.
Now, food and drink can make you appear to be more fun, and it
can make an event seem to be fun, it can change our perception in
a couple of different ways, and I want to explain that to you. The
first, and we’ve talked about this before, eating and drinking
provides an influx of dopamine to your brain, and dopamine is the
neurotransmitter that creates the feeling of enjoyment. So that’s
the first way that it can change your perception. The second is that
the dopamine you get from eating and drinking can dampen or
dull or turn down the volume on a negative feeling that you’re
already having. So if you go into a situation and you’re feeling
anxious or nervous or awkward or insecure, whatever it is,
suddenly you will feel less of these negative emotions with an
influx of dopamine in your brain.
And then the third way – and we haven’t really discussed this one
as much on the podcast, but the third way that food and drink can
change your perception of either yourself or an event is that food
and drink depresses a part of your brain, the prefrontal cortex,
where thought processing and consciousness is centered. So
basically, it quiets your inner critic. It’s quieting all the thoughts
that you’re having, the negative thoughts that you’re having about
yourself and the situation.
But whether or not you are truly fun and whether or not an event
is truly fun actually has to do with your thoughts. You’ve just got
so used to outsourcing fun to food and drink and relying on that
influx of dopamine to change how you feel about yourself and
about the situation that you’re in, that you don’t bother doing any
of the heavy lifting yourself and paying attention to what you’re
thinking. Most of us don’t even realize that there is work that we
could be doing. We get caught up in that, “I’m just no fun” and
“This event just won’t be any fun” and we feel stuck. But there’s so
much here that you can change on your own if you learn how to
stop outsourcing the perception of fun to food and drink and learn
how to have actual fun using the think-feel-act cycle.
So let’s look at what’s really happening, I want to really go into
these two thoughts. So we’re really going to go into “I’m no fun if
I’m not eating and drinking with others”, because I know that
comes up for so many of you. It came up with me forever. I
thought it for the longest time. I’m just no fun if I’m not eating
and drinking with them. And I had all this evidence for this. I had
a lot of evidence. I would go to a party and I could not wait to get a
snack and a drink. Everything leading up to the point at which my
dopamine kicked in was so unpleasant, and I’ll tell you, it was
much more than just the hour leading up to the party. I was often
worried about the party, I was worried about going out, way in the
lead up.
So maybe days in advance I might be thinking like, who’s going to
be there, am I going to be awkward, am I going to feel anxious, I’d
be kind of worried about it just on a low level in the day leading
up to it, and then the day of, I would feel anxious getting ready, I
would be anxious about how I looked, I would be anxious about
what I was wearing, that I wasn’t going to fit in or have any fun,
and you can understand why I often started eating and drinking
before I even left the house, right? I mean, just the act of getting
ready brought up all these negative thoughts for me, which
created all these negative feelings.
So I was feeling anxious in the lead up and then I was anxious on
the way to the party, and anxious when I got there and anxious
when I knocked on the door and walking up the steps. I was
anxious arriving, and then I felt kind of awkward meeting people
and awkward – those first couple minutes when you’re trying to
figure out who’s there and do you know anybody and where are
you supposed to go, and the person you thought was going to be
there isn’t really there. I had all these negative feelings and my
brain was like, just find the food and drink. Just find the bar and
the food table and then you’ll be okay.
And so I felt very caught. I really did feel very caught by this
thought, “I’m just no fun if I’m not eating and drinking with
others” because I had all this evidence that that was true. So what
I wasn’t considering and what you’re probably not considering as
well is really what makes you fun. We are fun, right, when we feel
open or at ease or curious or adventurous or positive and silly,
when we’re not in our head, when we’re not fixated on our arms
and all of our shortcomings or our problems, we’re not
complaining, we’re not too serious because we want to appear a
certain way. We’re usually fun when our focus is outside of
ourselves, when you are engaging with the world around you.
Most of us are not that much fun when we are stuck in our own
heads and our focus is squarely on ourselves, and usually how we
compare to other people around us, and the problem is that you
have gotten so used to using food and drink as the primary way to
switch your focus, we use food and drink to quiet our inner critic
and to switch our focus from being stuck on ourselves and stop
obsessing on the negative and food and drink, because of the
effect it has on our prefrontal cortex, we’re able to then kind of
stop obsessing on all of that and actually turn our focus to the
external world.
But most of us have no idea how to do this on our own because we
don’t even recognize to begin with the role of our thoughts in
creating how we feel, and you have to recognize this first before
you can start to really change your eating and drinking. Here’s the
thing, and you know what, I didn’t like hearing this news and you
may not like hearing this news either, but the truth is if you think
you aren’t fun when you don’t eat and drink with others, you’re
probably right. You probably aren’t that great to be around. I
wasn’t. I really wasn’t. I had so much negative thinking going on
in there and all this negative thinking and then all these negative
emotions, and you know what, I wasn’t a lot of fun to be around
when I wasn’t eating and drinking with them.
But I’m telling you this not because it’s an indictment of who you
are, I’m telling you this so you can start to really pay attention to
your thoughts, because without realizing it, you have become very,
very good, and very, very practiced at thinking a lot of un-fun
thoughts. Just notice your inner dialogue the next time you go out
and go to an event, notice that dialogue when you’re getting ready,
when you’re headed there, when you arrive. Pay attention to that
dialogue, tune into it, and you’ll see what I mean. I guarantee you,
it is overwhelmingly negative.
And I get it. I did this for such a long time. I was convinced that I
wasn’t fun if I wasn’t eating what they were eating, and having a
drink, and I was right. I wasn’t fun. I was so stuck in my head
thinking all these negative thoughts about my arms, about how
awkward I was, how uncomfortable I felt, what do I say, what do I
do, the whole time looking for something in my external
environment to relieve how I felt. But I wasn’t fun because I didn’t
have fun thoughts. I wasn’t being curious about other people, I
wasn’t curious about my surroundings, I wasn’t curious about the
world. I was 100% stuck in my head, fixated on my failings and
my shortcomings, and feeling terrible. So you have to start paying
attention to what you’re thinking and notice your thoughts and
notice how they’re making you miserable if you want to learn how
to have fun without relying on food and drink, this is crucial.
So that’s the first thought, but I want us to have a look at the
second one, because this also comes up a lot for other people, and
that thought is “This event will be so unbearable without eating
and drinking.” Right? How many times have you thought that?
How many times have you thought, “Oh man, am I going to have
to do this without a plate and glass in my hand? Why bother even
going?”
I’ll tell you, I remember being invited to an extravagant wedding
when I was in my twenties, and it’s so crazy when I think back on
it. The entire time I was fixated on when I could get a drink and
get food. Now, mind you, I didn’t know anyone except my date.
You could not have picked a more gorgeous setting, and yet my
brain was like, “Oh my goodness, obviously this is not going to be
any fun unless I’m eating and drinking.” My brain was so
practiced to outsourcing fun to food and drink that it couldn’t
even see everything amazing around it that was staring it in the
face, and I know – I know that you’re like, look this isn’t an
extravagant wedding that I’m talking about, right? Like this really
is going to be a boring event. I’m really going to have to suffer
through this holiday with my in-laws or have to go to this
networking event. Whatever it is.
But I just want you to notice how narrow our focus can be when
we outsource fun to food and drink. We get this kind of tunnel
vision, and it becomes very difficult to see how things could be
enjoyable because we have told ourselves over and over and over
again that what makes something enjoyable is the food and drink.
And I’ll tell you something that I’ve realized. If the most
interesting thing about the party or the people you’re with is the
food and drink, then I promise you, you are doing something
wrong. The event isn’t doing anything wrong, the people aren’t
doing anything wrong, you are doing something wrong.
You are so used to being passively entertained by dopamine that
when you have to put forward the tiniest bit of effort to figure out
how to have fun, your brain is like nope, no thank you, there’s no
point in going if I’m not going to be eating and drinking. But
remember this all makes sense. I don’t want you to start beating
yourself up over this. This all makes sense because your brain
wants to do easy things, and there is no easier thing than having a
bite, having a sip, and giving yourself an influx of dopamine to
change your perception of a situation.
Easy things offered humans an evolutionary advantage. Humans
used to live in a world that took all this energy just to stay alive,
and so being efficient, finding easy things to do helped us
conserve energy. But being efficient about pleasure, that was the
real boon. Seeking pleasure, avoid pain and do it by expending the
least amount of energy possible, this is something I talk about a
lot on theses episodes. This was the motivational triad that kept
humans alive for thousands of years. Pleasure was food and sex
and warmth and those things kept us alive, and so for our brain to
find easy ways to get pleasure seemed like we had hit the jackpot,
but now we are in this world where we have such an abundance of
easy pleasure.
We have all this easy pleasure that takes almost no energy to
expend to get it. And so we keep returning to this easy pleasure,
we keep having food and drink to have a good time and keep
returning to have a good time, without even realizing that we’ve
outsourced fun to food and drink. So then when we think about
changing our eating and drinking habits or when we think about
sculpting our arms or losing weight, all of a sudden it’s like, well
okay, I guess I can, but then I’ll sign up for this life of boredom.
So the only way to cut through this, the only way to change is to
really understand how the think-feel-act cycle works to create fun,
and your amusement, your enjoyment, your engagement, your
excitement to really understand how your thoughts create those
feelings, and only then can you see your way out of this
predicament, out of the predicament where you have unwittingly
learned to outsource fun to food and drink. Only then, once you
understand it can you start to unwind the habit. But for most of
you, if you don’t understand that piece, you will just get stuck. You
will get stuck because you don’t want to sign up for a life of
boredom.
So for now, for this week, I just want you to notice how tied up
food and drink and fun are in your world. How tied up it is in your
perception of yourself and events and whether or not things are
even worth doing, and if you realize, if you’re listening and you
realize wow, fun and food and drink really do go hand in hand in
my mind, it’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up, this is totally normal.
Nothing has gone wrong here, you need this awareness. You need
to understand how much you rely on food and drink to be a fun
person, and how much you rely on food and drink to enjoy an
activity in order to take the first step to learn something different.
So for this week, just pay attention, just notice, and just ask
yourself how much you have outsourced fun in your life to eating
and drinking, how much you have allowed food and drink to be in
charge of whether or not you are fun, whether or not an event is
fun. So that’s it for this week, next week I’m going to be talking all
about part two because I really do have a lot to say on this topic.
In the meantime, if you have any questions, if you want to reach
out, send me an email at
[email protected] and
otherwise, tune in next week and we’ll be talking more about
having fun. Bye everybody.
