Very likely, you have an idea of the person you want to be and
what you want your body and life to look like, free of insecurity,
anxiety, regret, wasted time, and empty calories. However, many
of you are still stuck in inaction, unable to move forward, because
of one thought – “What if I fail?”
This week, I am excited to show you exactly what happens to your
brain when you think, “What if I fail?” and why you need to learn
to deal with this thought. Join me as I explain how you can change
your perspective of failure, set yourself free, and keep moving
toward your vision of toned, sculpted arms and a life that excites
you.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to The Arm Coach podcast, episode
#21.
Hey everybody, how are you? What’s happening? What did you do
last night? You know what I did last night? I watched my favorite
TV show. It’s called Fixer Upper. I love it. I’m obsessed with this
show. They are restoring or renovating old houses in Waco TX,
and they do these amazing renovations, revealing interior stone
walls and beautiful fireplaces and incredible wood floors, it’s
amazing, I love it. But here’s the thing, the renovation process is a
nightmare. Most of these houses have had decades of repairs and
work and additions heaped upon more repairs, more work and
more additions, and so they never really know what they’re going
to find once they start the process. And invariably, once they start,
their plan gets thrown out the window because they find an
random doorframe in the middle of the wall that no one knew was
there, or the wood floors they plan to restore are in fact
unrestorable due to significant areas of water damage.
So their plan changes and they have a bunch of freak outs along
the way, but somehow, they keep going, they never throw up their
hands in despair. They keep working, they keep pushing forward,
and you know what, their finished product, it may not look exactly
like what they thought it was going to look like, but it always looks
a million times better, and this is where you come in. So here’s the
thing, you have some blueprints for what you want your arms and
your life to look like. You’ve started to consider who you’d be, like
with toned, sculpted arms and without the extra weight. Who is
the person under the anxiety and the stress and the insecurity,
and the layers of emotional armor?
You have these blueprints for who you want to be and what you
want to do, and they don’t include regretting the missed arm
workout, regretting what you ate, they don’t include feeling like
food or screens are the most exciting part of your day, they don’t
include polishing off a pint ice cream when you really meant to
only have a scoop, and they don’t include all the empty calories
and wasted time and feeling anxious about the fact that you’re still
dealing with your flabby arms and overeating and worrying that
this may be something you’re going to always have to deal with.
But listen, many of you can’t even get started working on your
blueprints because you’re so stuck in inaction. You’re not
planning your workouts, lifting heavy weights, or prepping your
meals. You’re not doing anything. You’re not even dipping your
toe in the water and seeing what your life could be like if you
planned ahead of time or took a break from overeating. And
because you keep thinking, I don’t know, what if I fail, what if I
can’t do it – and this thought, what if I fail? It keeps you frozen in
place.
So today, what I really want to do is have you understand this
thought, what if I fail? I want you to consider what exactly your
brain is telling you when you think this thought, because a lot of
you are thinking it. A lot of you are thinking what if I fail, what if I
can’t do it, and the thought of that, the thought of failing is so
intense, it’s so visceral that even thinking about the idea of failing
really freaks you out. It brings up all this fear and you find
yourself unable to move forward. Meanwhile, the blueprints of
your arms, the blueprints of your life, what you want your arms
and life to look like, they are rolled up, hidden away in a closet
collecting dust. If you’re going to move forward, if you’re going to
start taking action then you need to deal with this thought. You
need to deal with this thought: what if I fail, head on.
Alright, so let’s dive in. Your brain keeps ruminating on the
thought, what if I fail? Now remember, it’s just a thought. It’s not
some message from the deep, it’s not some premonition about
your future, and I will guarantee you this, it is not the first time
that you have had this thought. What if I fail, did not just appear
for the first time when you contemplated sculpting your arms or
losing weight. For a lot of you, this thought has been hanging
around for a while, it’s hanging around when you’re thinking
about I’d really like to ask my boss for a raise, I’d really like to
train for that marathon, or move to a new city or learn a new
language or ask that person out, but what if I fail? What if I can’t
do it?
So for starters, just remind yourself that this isn’t the first time
that the thought, what if I fail, has appeared for you. It’s good to
know this, it’s good to look at the other areas in your life where
this thought plagues you. Where else are you not taking action
because you can’t shake the fear of failure? Because listen, what
we’re going to talk about today, you can apply to all of those areas
as well.
Okay, so you know that the thought what if I fail appears in other
parts of your life, and as we’re going through the next couple of
questions, I want you to keep those other areas in mind. The other
areas of your life where you’re worried about failing, keep those in
mind as you think about the thought, what if I fail.
So here’s my question for you: let’s say you do fail. Let’s say you
give it a go and it doesn’t work out. What do you think is going to
happen? Now, I know some of you are like, wait, what? What do
you mean? But seriously, I want you to answer this question.
What do you think will happen? Because you’re afraid of
something happening, you’re worried about an outcome. If you
weren’t, right, then this thought wouldn’t be so charged for you. It
wouldn’t keep you stuck in place.
So I want you to imagine a future where you do fail. What is the
terrible outcome that you’re so afraid of? Now, the response that I
usually get from people is something along the lines of, ‘well then
I’ll be a failure. I don’t want to fail, because if I fail, then I’ll be a
failure, and that would be terrible.’ It seems like you’re just stating
the facts, right? I don’t want to be a failure, that would be terrible.
And most of you, if you’ve ever thought about this question, you
stop right here. You stop at the idea of then I’ll be a failure.
It seems so obvious, that’s why we all stop there, right? Wouldn’t
everyone just agree that being a failure is the worst thing
possible? But remember, the think-feel-act cycle. Remember that
your thoughts generate your emotions, which drive your actions.
Everything comes back to this cycle. So when you’re asking
yourself what are you trying to avoid, why do you want to avoid
being a failure, why are you so intent on avoiding this outcome,
what are you afraid of on the other side of being a failure,
remember the think-feel-act cycle.
Now, if this seems like a silly question, consider how much the
fear of failure is keeping you from even stepping up to the plate.
You’re so afraid of failure that you’re preventing yourself from
even trying. So you think about sculpting your arms, filling out
your Action Planner, or losing weight, and then you think, oh god
yes, but what if I fail? And remember, it’s not just sculpting your
arms, it’s all these other areas in your life that you also have this
concern about. What if I don’t achieve what I hope to? What if
things don’t turn out the way I expected? And because you can’t
know for sure how things are going to go, because failure is a
possibility, you do nothing. You don’t take action.
So I want you to really consider what is truly paralyzing about the
thought what if I fail. I want you to really understand what you’re
trying to avoid. When you think about the thought what if I fail,
when you worry about being a failure, what you are really trying to
avoid – and now pay attention here, what you are really trying to
avoid is the emotion you think you will feel if you fail.
Isn’t that crazy? It’s not actually failure that you’re scared of, it’s
the emotion that you think you will feel if you fail. You are afraid
of feeling embarrassed or hopeless or ashamed or dejected,
whatever it is. That’s what you’re really afraid of. It’s not being a
failure, it’s the emotion you think you will feel. That’s why you’re
not taking action. You’re not taking action not because you fear
failure, but because you fear embarrassment or being ashamed or
being hopeless or being dejected. That’s what you really fear.
Do you see the difference between these two? Because this
difference is everything. Now, remember, and I’ve talked about
this before. Your positive emotions and your negative emotions,
but especially your negative emotions, they’re harmless. Seriously.
Your emotions cannot hurt you. I know this often doesn’t seem
like it’s true. I get it. For a long time, you would have been hard
pressed to convince me that this was the case. And so I
understand when people tell me, no, Kristine, my emotions really
are painful, they really do hurt me, I really don’t want to
experience them.
And this is why we really need to break down and really
understand specifically what an emotion feels like in your body,
because if you’re able to do this, if you can make this shift, then I
promise your understanding of what a negative emotion is will
start to change as well. I’ve talked about this before, but every
feeling you have, every emotion that you experience in your body
produces a specific set of physical sensations that can also be
located in your body. And if you’re not really sure that this is the
case or if this seems kind of too touchy feely, the idea that you feel
your emotions in your body, just ask yourself this: how do I know
when I’m experiencing an emotion? How can I tell?
The answer is always, you feel some sort of change or shift in your
body. You feel it physically. Your heart rate speeds up or slows
down, your breathing might change, it might become really fast or
shallow as opposed to slow and deep, different muscles will tense
and relax, you might feel hot or cold or clammy or sweaty, you
might feel pressure or tightness or tingling or buzzing, but trust
me, you are feeling something in your body.
Now, when it comes to your negative emotion, I get it. These
sensations that you feel may not be your favorite. They’re not my
favorite, they may not be particularly enjoyable or comfortable,
but they are harmless. You are not in danger from a fast
heartbeat. You are not going to be injured by a tense jaw or
shallow breathing. If you can be present with these sensations,
you will see that they can’t do anything to do. But you will also
start to see that the reason you’re stuck in place right now, the
reason you aren’t taking action, the reason you are fearing failure
and your brain keeps ruminating on this question what if I fail,
what if I fail, the reason all of this is happening is because you are
afraid of what you’re going to feel when you fail.
You’re afraid of the emotion. And just so we’re 100% clear, it’s not
crazy to be afraid of this. No one ever sits us down and says ‘hey,
let me explain to you what emotions are. You feel a whole
spectrum of different emotions and the way you know when
you’re feeling one is that you feel it in your body. Different things
happen to your heart rate and your breathing and you may feel
different temperature changes. You may feel different sensations
in your body’, no one ever explains this.
Nor do they tell you, hey, you know what, while some of these
might not be entirely comfortable, they really can’t do anything to
do. You’re okay. You’re not in danger. You’re just experiencing a
set of sensations in your body, and if you don’t fight it, if you don’t
resist it, if you don’t freak out, it will eventually pass. So we don’t
get that information, so it’s not crazy to be afraid of your negative
emotions, which so many of us are.
If you take away one thing from today’s episode, please let it be
this: the reason you are afraid of failure is because you are afraid
of a negative emotion. But, you now know about the think-feel-act
cycle, you know that you don’t ever feel an emotion until you
think a thought first, and this is where your perspective on failure
can radically change because here’s the thing, failing, not meeting
your goal, trying something and being unsuccessful, all of these
things, they don’t cause you to feel anything until you think a
thought about it.
Failing is neutral. Not meeting your goal is neutral. Being
unsuccessful is neutral. Isn’t that insane? It blew my mind when I
first started to understand this. Not achieving what you set out to
do, it doesn’t make you feel anything, it’s just a fact, and facts
don’t create your feelings. Your thoughts about facts, that’s what
creates your feelings.
So how do we know this is true? Because if failure or failing
created how we as humans felt, then none of us would keep trying,
right? None of us would ever keep taking action. But you know
that’s not true, you know that there are people out there who fail
at things and shake it off, who set a goal and don’t reach the goal
and try again, who try something and are unsuccessful and get
back on the horse. They don’t give up. They keep trying, and that’s
actually how you reach the goal. To keep trying, to keep going
after it. You keep taking action over and over again, so we know
that those people exist.
We know that failure can’t be this thing that is so insurmountable,
because otherwise how would those people keep taking action?
Now, most of you listening are thinking this right now, yes okay,
but I’m just not built that way. That’s just not my personality, I’ve
always been like this. I’ve never been able to shake off failure, it’s
always been something that’s really terrible for me. But for all of
you out there who believe this, who are telling yourself right now,
well that’s just not my personality, that’s just not who I am, let me
ask you this: are you still crawling? Did you learn to walk? Right?
For everyone who says I’m just not built that way, I want you to
think about all the things in your life that have required failure
over and over again, and you have learned how to do it, right? And
it’s not just learning how to walk. It’s learning how to swim,
learning how to ride a bike, learning how to drive a car, learning
how to speak a new language. Whatever it is, there’s so many
things in your life that you can point to that required failure and
you kept trying. You kept taking action.
So stop telling yourself that you’re just not one of those people
because the only difference between people who fail and get back
on the horse, and people who are so afraid of failure that they
never even try, are the thoughts that they are thinking. That’s it,
that’s the only difference. And the truth is that you have examples
of periods in your life and things you have learned to do where
failure was required and you did it anyway, you kept trying.
Listen, it’s a little bit like those people renovating the old houses,
right? They have a plan for a room and then they start tearing
down plaster and oh look, there’s a door frame where no one
thought there was supposed to be one, or they’re starting to
restore this – what they hoped to be a beautiful fireplace and oh
look, turns out it’s just a pile of bricks underneath the plaster. It’s
not at all what they thought it would be, and they just keep going.
They just readjust their plans and their finished product may not
look the way they intended but they don’t stop and throw their
hands up and say forget it, ‘I tried and it didn’t work, so now I’m
just going to go home.’ They get to a finished product come hell or
high water.
You are afraid of filling your Action Planner or trying to lose
weight because you are ruminating on this question, what if I fail.
But the reason why this question is keeping you stuck is because
of the fear you have about how you will feel if you fail, right? You
are afraid of a negative emotion that you believe will automatically
accompany any failure. Your brain assumes right now that failure
can only feel terrible, but once you understand the think-feel-act
cycle, once you understand that you never feel an emotion,
including your negative emotions, until you think a thought first,
then you can see that that’s not the case.
Here’s the thing, if you decide to fill out your Action Planner or try
to lose weight and you end up eating a pint of ice cream during
that period, it doesn’t mean anything. But you will make it mean
everything. You will make it mean, oh my god, ‘I’m never going to
figure this out, something is wrong with me, I lack discipline, it
means I can’t do it.’ You will make it mean everything negative,
and guess what, all of those thoughts, ‘I’ll never figure this out,
something is wrong with me, I don’t have discipline,’ all of those
thoughts are going to create negative emotions for you.
But you can also decide that failure doesn’t mean anything. It’s
just an opportunity to learn from what didn’t work and try again.
You can decide that the only way to truly fail is to stop taking
action, and you can also decide that failure is irrelevant because
you’re going to keep taking action and keep trying no matter what.
So I want you to think about those blueprints you have. Think
about the blueprints you have for how you want your arms and
your life to look. If they are in the closet right now, if they are
rolled up collecting dust, now is the time to take them out. Now is
the time to decide that you’re not going to keep them hidden
because you’re so afraid of the question what if I fail.
You can decide that no matter what you discover along the way,
you’re going to keep moving forward. You’re going to keep
working towards those blueprints. You might have to make
adjustments, it may not look exactly the way you thought, but
don’t let the fear of failure, which is really just the fear of a
negative emotion, be the thing that stops you.
Alright everybody, thanks for listening. If you have any questions
about this episode or ideas for future questions you would like me
to cover, you can always send me an email at
[email protected] and thanks for tuning in, I’ll see you
next week.
