Episode Transcript
If you’ve ever felt frustrated by getting results only to fall back into old habits, this
episode is for you! We’ll talk about how to stop focusing on what you “can’t” do and start
embracing the choices that empower you to take control of your life and fitness journey.
Hey everyone! Welcome to The Arm Coach podcast, episode 65!
Today, we’re talking about how not to “start over” when toning your arms. I know that
might sound a little odd, but stick with me here. We’re not talking about skipping
workouts or giving up. What we’re really addressing is the cycle I see way too often: you
make progress, see some results, but then fall back into old habits, only to end up right
back where you started.
I’ve seen it happen so many times, and I want to break that cycle for you today. If you've
been following me for a while, you know I’ve gone through this myself. I’ve had periods
where I would follow a workout plan, get great results, but then get comfortable and
slowly fall off track. And before I knew it, I was right back where I started, feeling
frustrated and confused.
That’s why today, I want to talk about how to stop that cycle from happening. It’s not
about taking breaks or starting over—it’s about building sustainable habits that keep you
on track, even when life gets in the way.
The first time I really decided to focus on toning my arms, I thought, “Okay, this seems
like a good plan, but I’m just not seeing the results I want fast enough. I can’t handle the
frustration and the feeling of deprivation.” So, I’d get back into my old habits, thinking,
“I’ll figure it out later.” But, I’d inevitably end up frustrated again, going back to square
one.
And let me tell you—this isn’t just a one-time thing. I’ve done this over and over again
throughout the years. I'd get fed up with myself, maybe have a bad workout, or feel
discouraged, and think, "This just isn’t working, I’m done." But here’s what I’ve learned
after all these years: it's not about starting over. It’s about building the right foundation to
make the changes stick.
I’ve definitely had my fair share of trying to restart when things didn’t go as planned. I’d
stick to a workout routine for a while, but as soon as life got busy or I didn’t feel like it,
I’d find myself back in old habits. For example, I’d think, “I’ll just skip today’s workout,”
and before I knew it, I was skipping more days, telling myself it wasn’t a big deal. My
focus was all wrong. Instead of focusing on building consistency, I was just trying to
avoid the hard stuff—the tough exercises, sticking to my routine, or dealing with the
discomfort of getting back into it. I thought if I just removed those uncomfortable
moments, I’d feel better, but that never worked. The desire to skip my workouts or take
the easy way out never truly went away, and I was stuck in the same cycle.
What changed for me—and what can change for you—is shifting from removing things
to becoming the kind of person who does the work. It’s about thinking of yourself as
someone who lives the change, instead of constantly trying to fight against it. Becoming
a person of substance means showing up for yourself consistently, regardless of how
you feel in the moment. It’s not about the workout you skip; it’s about your commitment
to keep going, even when it’s hard.
This is the shift that will make all the difference for you. It's about becoming the kind of
woman who makes the choice to keep going, even when it's challenging, because that’s
where the real change happens.
A lot of you are living your life the way you think you should, not the way you truly want.
And I see this all the time with my clients. They’ll say things like, “It’s so hard because
everyone expects me to be following this routine. People expect that I’m going to work
out a certain way, or that I should have this specific diet, or even that I should look a
certain way.” You feel like you’re constantly trying to meet everyone else’s expectations
instead of listening to what you truly want for your body and your life.
This is where the shift needs to happen. It’s time to stop living your life based on what
you think others expect, and start living it the way you want. That’s the first step to
becoming a woman of substance—choosing your own path, not one that’s dictated by
external pressures or outdated ideas about fitness.
The second part of becoming a person of substance is about being willing to embrace
what’s hard. It’s easy to skip workouts, to choose the quick fix, to take the easy way out.
But those quick solutions don’t serve you in the long run. The real transformation comes
when you’re willing to do the hard things—the things that require effort, consistency, and
sticking with it even when you’re tempted to give up.
Becoming a person of substance meant I had to shift my mindset away from the easy
way. It wasn’t about choosing the comfortable option anymore, because I knew that
comfort wasn’t going to get me the results I truly wanted. I had to learn how to face the
challenges, the tough days, and the moments of doubt, and keep going.
And let me tell you, a person of substance is someone who shows up for herself, no
matter what. I can’t tell you how many times I felt insecure, or unmotivated, and still
found myself skipping workouts or making excuses. But that’s not showing up for
yourself. When you show up for yourself, you trust yourself to do the hard things. You
trust that even on the difficult days, you’re still going to make the right choice.
I’ve had moments where I thought, “I just can’t trust myself,” and that’s one of the
toughest feelings to have. It’s painful. But the key is learning to show up for yourself,
even when you don’t feel like it, so that you can trust yourself. That’s what being a
woman of substance means—knowing that you can count on yourself, no matter what.
This shift is huge. And there’s a great quote from a book by Brené Brown, Daring
Greatly, that really resonates here. The title of the book comes from a speech by Teddy
Roosevelt, and it sums up what I want you to take away from today: “It is not the critic
who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the
doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is
actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives
valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without
error and shortcoming.”
I love this quote. To me, it perfectly captures what it means to be a person of substance.
It’s not about being perfect, or having everything figured out. It’s about being in the
arena, showing up, trying, failing, getting back up, and trying again. This is the shift I
want you to focus on: Instead of focusing on the short-term goal of toning your arms or
sticking to a plan, ask yourself, How can I become a woman of substance? How can I
be the kind of person who always shows up for herself, who embraces challenges, who
uses her life the way she wants?
That’s the real transformative shift. When I stopped thinking about what I needed to
remove from my life—whether it was an unhealthy habit or a limiting belief—and started
thinking about who I wanted to become, everything changed. It wasn’t about restriction
or deprivation anymore; it was about growth. It was about showing up, even when it’s
tough, and focusing on the process instead of the end result.
When I made this shift, everything changed for me. Instead of focusing on removing the
“bad” habits, I focused on becoming the person I needed to be to achieve the results I
wanted. And let me tell you, this mindset shift was the game-changer. It allowed me to
find new solutions, understand my habits better, and tackle the obstacles in front of me
head-on. It was no longer about avoiding discomfort; it was about pushing through it,
learning from it, and growing because of it.
I know that sounds a lot more exciting than just gritting your teeth and trying to “stick to
it.” The process of growing, learning, and challenging yourself is so much more fulfilling.
It’s not about making yourself feel deprived—it’s about using the journey to become a
stronger, more confident version of yourself.
This is the key shift you need to embrace: move away from thinking about just “taking a
break” and start thinking about becoming a person of substance. And once you do,
you’ll see that there’s so much more available to you than just saying no to old habits.
You’ll understand your habits, change your desires, and start making progress without
all the frustration of feeling restricted.
That’s the real mental shift, and that’s where the real growth happens. But I also want to
talk about six things you shouldn’t do during your arm toning journey if you want to
make it more than just a time of restriction. If you want it to be a time of real personal
growth—learning how to not only understand your habits but change them—I’ve got
some important dos and don’ts to share with you.
The first thing I want you to avoid when you’re working on toning your arms is focusing
solely on the "what am I doing today" mentality. It's not just about whether you worked
out or skipped a day. If you want real change, you need to look deeper at the habit cycle
that’s driving your actions. Too often, I see people get caught up in thinking, “I just need
to push through this workout plan or I’m not going to get the arms I want.” And that
becomes the whole focus—either I’m doing it or I’m not.
But here’s the truth: the workout itself isn’t the problem. I know that might sound
surprising, but hear me out—just focusing on what’s happening in the moment, whether
it’s about sticking to a workout plan or not, isn’t enough to bring lasting change.
What’s really happening is that you’ve developed habits that are driving you, and it’s
those habits that need to be addressed. And there’s nothing wrong with you for not
knowing how to change them yet—it’s because no one has really taught you how habits
work. You don’t have the tools to understand why you fall into certain routines, why you
might skip a workout, or why your brain is drawn to certain behaviors that aren’t helping
your progress. You don’t understand how your desire for quick results keeps you
trapped in a cycle of starting over and over again.
That’s where I want you to focus your energy. Instead of just asking, “Did I work out
today or not?” ask yourself, “What habits are driving me? What is influencing my
choices? How can I change my mindset and habits to work for me, not against me?” By
shifting your focus to understanding why you do what you do, you’re setting yourself up
for real, lasting change.
This mindset shift doesn’t just apply to your workouts—it applies to all areas of your life.
Many of the women I work with come to me because they want to break free from old
habits related to fitness, but once they understand how the habit cycle works, they apply
it to all parts of their lives—like managing stress, making healthier food choices, or
improving how they handle setbacks. Once you understand how your habits work, you
can start taking control of them in every area of your life.
The second thing I want you to avoid is relying on willpower to resist the urge to skip
workouts or indulge in old habits. You’ve probably heard me talk about this before, but
it’s so important: using willpower to resist doesn’t work in the long run. Instead of forcing
yourself to push through every moment with sheer willpower, I want you to understand
what’s truly driving your desire to avoid your workouts or fall off track. And I’ll tell you
right now, it’s your thoughts. It all comes down to what you’re thinking.
When you’re relying on willpower, you’re using all your mental energy just to resist. Yes,
it might work temporarily—but the problem is, you’re not getting to the root of the habit.
You’re not able to access your thoughts or truly understand why you feel the urge to
skip a workout or fall back into old patterns. When all your energy is spent resisting, you
can’t examine what’s driving those urges.
Think of willpower like this: imagine you’re using all your strength to keep a door shut.
You’re leaning against it with everything you’ve got, holding it closed. But the door wants
to open, and it’s exhausting to keep it shut.
Now, ask yourself: why are you so focused on keeping that door closed? What are you
afraid of that’s behind it? The truth is, behind that door is simply an urge. It’s just your
brain asking for a reward because, over time, you’ve trained it to expect one. But an
urge isn’t some terrifying monster. It’s just your brain saying, “Hey, it’s time for my
reward. Where’s it at?”
That urge can’t harm you. It can’t make you do anything. But for a long time, I, like many
of you, treated those urges as something to fear. I would try to lock them away, avoid
them, and push them down with all my might, thinking that if I just didn’t give in, I’d be
safe.
But here’s the difference: instead of using all your energy to resist, I want you to allow
yourself to observe the urge. Understanding what’s really behind that urge and why you
feel it, is the key to breaking the cycle. By just acknowledging the urge and allowing it to
pass, you gain control. You can sit with it and realize it’s just a feeling—nothing more.
And when you stop fighting it, that’s when true change happens.
This shift from resisting to observing is huge, especially when you’re trying to break free
from old habits and create sustainable change.
The third thing to avoid is isolating yourself and avoiding challenges. I did this a lot in
my 20s—shutting myself off from social situations because I didn’t want to face the
temptation or fear of “what if.”
But here’s the truth: obstacles are opportunities for growth. Instead of running from
them, you can use those moments to do things differently and learn from them. During
my “diets” or “plans”” I often avoided people and situations, but that didn’t help me
grow—it kept me stuck.
You could choose to live avoiding everything that challenges you, but that’s not a
sustainable or realistic way to live. Facing obstacles head-on is how you learn and grow.
You don’t have to isolate yourself; instead, you can learn how to navigate challenges
with confidence and use them as a path forward.
The fourth thing to avoid when you’re working on toning your arms is telling yourself you
need relief from how you feel. We often turn to quick fixes like alcohol or food to change
how we feel, but the real question is, why do you feel so urgent about escaping those
feelings?
The truth is, nothing has gone wrong when you feel a negative emotion. Your brain just
thinks something is off. I know I used to think, “I feel awkward, insecure, or
lonely—something’s wrong.” But here’s the thing: negative emotions are a part of being
human. They're normal, and they're not something you need to escape from.
The problem is, we’ve trained ourselves to avoid those emotions, thinking we need
immediate relief. But instead of running away from uncomfortable feelings, we need to
learn that they’re survivable. Happiness all the time isn’t realistic, and trying to
constantly avoid discomfort is what keeps you trapped in this cycle.
You don’t need instant relief; you need to understand why you’re feeling the way you do.
That’s why I’m always talking about the think-feel-act cycle—your feelings come from
your thoughts. And no emotion can ever harm you. Learning this is key to building
emotional resilience, and trust me, once you stop treating negative emotions as a crisis,
your life will change for the better.
The fifth thing to avoid when you’re working on toning your arms is telling yourself you
"can't" have or do something, which only creates a feeling of restriction and deprivation.
I know some of you might be thinking, “Wait, what?” But trust me, this mindset is key.
In the past, I’d tell myself, "I can’t have this," or “I can’t do that” but at the same time, I’d
be thinking, “This is so unfair. Why can’t I have or do what everyone else is?” The more
I focused on what I couldn't do, the more restricted and deprived I felt.
What I wasn’t realizing was that I’m an adult who has the freedom to make my own
choices. No one can stop me from making decisions about my life. The same goes for
you—you get to choose how you want to live. If you approach toning your arms by
focusing on what you "can't" do, it will create a feeling of limitation, and that’s not going
to work in the long run.
Instead, shift your mindset to recognize that you’re choosing this. You’re making the
conscious decision to tone your arms or try something new, even if it’s challenging. This
shift from "I can't" to "I'm choosing this" will empower you and help you feel so much
better. It’s always a choice, and embracing that choice—even when it’s hard—makes all
the difference.
The last thing to avoid when you’re working on toning your arms is using shame as a
motivator. Shame will keep you stuck, and I’ll say this over and over again because it’s
so important. If you go into toning your arms thinking about how you’re a failure, how
something’s wrong with you, or how you just can't get it right, you’re only going to slow
down your progress.
The problem with shame is that it often leads us in the opposite direction. When we feel
bad about ourselves for too long, our brain starts to look for a way to relieve that
discomfort. We may end up slipping back into old habits as a form of relief. Shame is
never a good motivator. It doesn't lead to lasting change—it keeps you stuck.
So what should you use instead? You need a positive motivator—something that excites
you and pulls you toward your goal. I’ve mentioned this before, but you need a
compelling reason that keeps you going when things get tough. Changing a habit isn’t
easy, but it’s worth it. Reconnect with your “why.” Who do you want to be on the other
side of this? How do you want to feel when you’re no longer consumed by this habit?
When I stopped focusing on just removing old habits and started working on becoming
the person I wanted to be, everything changed. I had to let go of the old strategies—like
willpower, isolation, and relying on shame—and instead, I focused on growth. I
embraced the process with excitement and purpose, and that’s when I started seeing
real, lasting change.
Letting go of those old patterns meant growing in unexpected ways. And I’ll tell you, it’s
the only way I know to stop starting over and actually transform your habits in a way that
not only helps you achieve your goals but also changes who you are. It helps you
become someone who knows how to take control of your life, make choices based on
what you want, and live in alignment with your values, not what others expect from you.
It teaches you to stop taking the easy path and embrace the challenges—and trust me,
this goes far beyond just toning your arms.
It also helps you become someone who shows up for herself, no matter what. This is so
important: knowing that you can always count on yourself, no matter what life throws at
you, is a game changer. You won’t need to escape or avoid your feelings—you won’t
need to turn to distractions or quick fixes. And when you stop starting over and begin
moving forward, everything shifts.
So, I want you to start thinking about this period of change in a different way. Instead of
just focusing on whether you’re sticking to a plan or what you’re “giving up,” think of it as
an opportunity to stop the cycle and build sustainable habits. It’s a chance to create a
lifestyle that aligns with your long-term goals—something much bigger than just getting
through a routine.
I really want you to sit with this and think about it. Go ahead and re-listen to this
episode—there’s a lot to unpack here! Reflect on the things you’ve tried in the past and
start thinking about how you can switch things up with new, empowering habits that will
help you make real, lasting changes. No more starting over, girl—let’s do this!
