037: How To Keep Going When You're Convinced You Can't

It’s inevitable. Just like clockwork. It always comes up. All my clients think this. Sometimes it comes up early. Other times it comes up after a couple of coaching sessions, once my clients feel more comfortable with me. They ask: • Have you ever had a client who just couldn’t do it? • Couldn’t tone their arms? • Couldn’t lose the extra weight? You might ask because you’re afraid. Afraid of being the exception. Afraid of just not being able to do what it takes. Afraid that there’s something wrong with you. And that you will always, always struggle. Just because you haven’t yet achieved what you want to achieve doesn’t mean you can’t. But I am talking about this today because I really want you to know that you’re not alone in having these fears. I want you to face these fears and understand where they come from. Why they feel so real to you. And learn how to bust through these fears and do what you really want to do. Tone your arms. Create a body you feel good in. And live your life. "Hey everyone, welcome back to The Arm Coach Podcast, episode 37! Today we're going to talk about how to get past your greatest fears about your arms and your eating. So get comfortable, and get ready to get coached. But before we dive in I want to remind you of something special that will transform your holidays into a season of joy, health, and confidence. As we all know, the holiday season can be a whirlwind of festive treats and gatherings. But guess what? You can still enjoy all the fun without losing sight of your fitness goals! That’s why I created my program, Armed for the Holidays! In just three days, I’ll give you all the tools and resources you need to stay on track with your nutrition and fitness—even with all the holiday hustle and bustle. Whether you're in your 40s, 50s, 60s, or beyond, this program is designed just for you, to help you feel empowered instead of burnt out and overwhelmed this holiday season! If this sounds like you, you can grab the program at a super discounted price in the podcast description of this episode. Ok so let's dive right in. When I work with a client, or even when I have a consultation, before somebody starts working with me, in the very beginning, in the first time or two that we speak to each other, almost everyone I talk to brings up a secret. Something that they're worried about. Something that they are secretly fearful and concerned about. And it's not funny. It's very serious to them. And I'm sure it would be to you too. But I'm wondering if you can relate to the secret fear. Because they almost all ask me the same thing. And that is, ‘Have I ever had a client who was different, who was simply not able to be coached, or who was simply unable to make changes in the way they exercised or ate, or who literally, no matter what they did, unable to tone their arms’. Now, this is a question that's probably in the back of your mind. Because it's in the back of almost everyone else's mind. And sometimes you may think, ‘Alright, I know I'm worried about this, but I'm afraid to ask’. And sometimes you may think ‘I'm really worried about this, and I don't want to know. Because I'm afraid to ask, what if the answer is ‘yes, I have had people who were simply unable to tone their arms and lose extra arm weight and change the way they ate.’ And you may be thinking, ‘what if I'm one of them. What if I just can't do it’. So it's always good when you bring that fear and bring that worry to the surface. What happens is, we have these thoughts in our head, right? And the thoughts, when we think them again, again, again, they become rather cemented. A really strong pathway in our brain. When we have a lot of different thoughts about the same thing, they kind of group together, like I imagine it looks like a spiderweb of pathways, and that becomes a belief system. So one part of it reinforces another part, and that reinforces another part. So if you have tried to tone your arms and stop eating the way that you're eating, and you have failed, each time you fail, you cement, those beliefs, and they become seemingly more real. Now this doesn't mean that they're true. But in your mind, they definitely feel more true. So if you remember how we talked about how our thoughts create our feelings, basic cognitive behavioral therapy, then you can just imagine that if you have a lot of thoughts that make you feel like something is not right, and you may be the big one exception in the world who can’t do this, those kinds of thoughts are going to create a feeling of helplessness. Or maybe hopelessness or pessimism. Or a combination of all three. And that is how those thoughts get created. We're going to come back and talk about how they get maintained if they're not true. But in the meantime, I want you to think and listen and see if you can identify with any one of these types of clients, because I've worked with all types of clients just like you, who have these beliefs that are just not true. So one really common one is, just the belief, the thought, I'll never lose this extra arm weight. I just can't lose arm weight. I never have. I never will. Well what happens when you think that way, if you have any belief in any thoughts like that, is you're going to create those feelings that we just talked about. Like, ‘you know, there's no point in even trying, I just can't do it. I definitely can't do it’. We have a firm belief that we can't do it. And if you think that, and if you create those really kind of negative feelings, then it stands to reason, that you're going to then do things that fit, that are aligned with those beliefs. You're going to prove yourself right. And the end result will be, you're right, you can’t do it. You never have, you never will. It's just that your actions are following that belief. Even though the belief isn't true, you may feel like you're married to that belief, and you can’t separate from it. So that's one of the most common beliefs, ‘I'll never lose this arm weight. I'll never change’. Another of the real big ones that I hear all the time that you may think yourself, is, ‘I can't do this, I just have no willpower, I can’t stick to anything. I always fall off any program I'm on'. Well, those are along the same lines as the other thoughts you may have, that you can't tone your arms, but they're even a little bit more specific about what you think you can't do. And when you think you can't do those things, you will go out of your way, unconsciously, to prove it right. Even though this may be something you want with all your heart and soul. If your secret, or not so secret thoughts are ‘I just can't stick to anything. I always fall down after a couple of days or a couple of weeks’, then you're secretly, unconsciously, creating feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. And when it comes time to making choices and taking action, you're going to take actions aligned with hopelessness. And then your result again, is you will prove it true. You can’t stick to anything. Now there's another really common thought that I'll bet you've had, sometimes even if you've never admitted it to anyone, and that thought is, ‘I'm the exception. I'm just the exception to the rule. I'm different. Everyone else can do this but me’. And what happens then is, you believe that. You really believe it and you look around, you look around for proof that it's true. You look around at other people you know who may not struggle with their arms. You look around in the news. You look around at movie stars, you know, who seem to effortlessly maintain very toned arms and have seemingly perfect looking bodies. And when you compare yourself to them, the natural conclusion that you come to is, ‘well I'm different, I'm just different. I'm the exception’. So then you create feelings of ‘Why Try? Pointless. There's no point in me even trying’. Feelings of hopelessness again. Real pessimism. And then you're going to take actions that lead you to the result of ‘see, I am different. Everyone else could do it, but I can’t'. Can you see how your thoughts are leading you to prove this correct, even if it's the thing you want least in the entire world? Unconsciously, that's what you're doing. You're proving your worst fears true. I'm going to give you one more, because I hear this all the time. And it's related to the other thoughts, but I'll bet at some point or another, you have had this thought too. ‘There must be something wrong with me. Nothing works for me. My body must be different. No matter what I try, there is no fitness plan, nothing that I can do, that works. I simply cannot tone my ams at all. There must be something wrong with me.’ Now this is really, really not true. Because any plan that gives you exercises or a little bit less to eat then you've been eating, in a number of different ways, they all work. All exercises and diets work. And I'm not saying that you should go on a diet, you know, but all diets work. It's not the plan. But all fitness and diet plans will only work, if you give them enough time. And if you're consistent. So over time, with consistency, any fitness or eating plan you choose, will work. But what happens if you tell yourself that nothing works? Well, there we go again. You're going to create a feeling of hopelessness. And then when it comes to making choices, choosing what exercises to do, choosing how you eat, when you start to eat, how much, when you stop, everything, the whole works, when it comes to making those choices, if you feel hopeless, you're not going to choose to pay attention to your body. Pay attention to your hunger. You're not going to do that. What you’re going to do, is give up. Because your brain is unconsciously going to prove what it believes correct. So if you believe that no matter what you do nothing works, then you are going to take actions aligned with that belief. That is just the way our brains work. We talked a little bit about how that belief system works, and how it creates those negative feelings, and then how you're going to take actions aligned with the negative feelings. But here's the thing. Even if you are now kind of alerted to what you've been doing, because you're in the habit of thinking those thoughts, having those beliefs, and having those really negative feelings, you're going to feel, you're going to unconsciously go through the whole cycle, you think something, you feel something, and then you're going to think to yourself, ‘but it feels real. I really do feel pessimistic. I really do feel hopeless.’ The feeling feels so real that it's very hard for you to conjure up any belief in what you're doing. And that you could do differently. And here's the deal. It feels real, because it is real. The feeling that you feel of hopelessness, helplessness and total pessimism, it's real. You feel it in your body as reality. But, the kicker is, is that the feeling is real, but it comes from your brain. Your thought, your mind, your story. And that's not real. Your story, your beliefs, are just things that you have practiced. You have practiced thinking, ‘I'm never going to tone my arms and lose this extra arm weight.’ You've practiced thinking, ‘I just can't do this’. You have practice thinking, ‘maybe I'm the exception’. And you've practiced thinking ‘there is something wrong with me'. So those thoughts that you just assume are reality, they're just stories that you made up, based on some experiences you've had. The problem is though, that you have thought them so often, and over such a long period of time, that you just believe that they are reality. So your brain, every time you do something, is going to look for evidence to prove the stories that you already have, to be the truth. And that there's no other way to think. That's why those stories feel like reality. But what I'm going to ask you to do, is look at your basic understanding of how your mind works. Look at the basic understanding of how you came to think those thoughts. That has no bearing on their truth. But when you think any thought, and you think it over and over again, that's what your brain will begin to believe. That's your belief system, remember? And so that is what feels most natural. So every time those thoughts come up, you're going to create really uncomfortable, painful, unwanted feelings that make you feel hopeless. And when you feel those real feelings, from the untrue story, you're going to want to take actions that will keep you stuck right where you are, taking actions that keep you stuck in that endless, painful cycle of starting something, and never being able to get where you want to go. And there's nothing wrong with you, but there is something tremendously wrong with the stories that you're telling yourself. So how do you think differently? How do you begin to chip away at the stories that you're telling yourself, that are totally keeping you stuck in the land of, my worst fear, ‘I will never change. I can never do this. Something's wrong with me’. Here's how you do it. First, I want you to imagine that you are a person, and this is true, it's not a fairy tale, you're a person having thoughts. You are not your thoughts. You're just a person with thoughts running through your mind. Constantly. 60,000 thoughts a day. The ones that you believe, that feel most real to you, that create all these terrible feelings that lead you to skip workouts and overeat and eat emotionally, those are just ones that you've practiced again, again, again, again. So, step back, separate yourself from what you're thinking, and try to begin to look at yourself as a person having thoughts. You are a person having thoughts. And now, consider the possibility, just the possibility, that if you're a person having thoughts, then it’s possible to have different thoughts. It’s possible to alter your thoughts. It's possible to throw away the thoughts that are not working for you. It's even possible to copy somebody else's thoughts if they appear to be working for that person. Maybe you could try them on, and see if you could adapt them for you. So one thing that you can do, once you realize that you’re a person having thoughts, is to pick a role model. Pick someone who is naturally fit, who doesn't have to stress, and walk around angsting over it every day, counting and watching everything they do and everything they eat. And pick a person and ask yourself this. You want to see what they're doing, but you also, more importantly, want to ask, what are they thinking to get themselves to do that. Would that work for me? Could I try that on? How does she think to get herself to lift weights even when she’s tired? How does she think to say no to delicious looking food when she's not hungry? So, think about a thought role model. I also want you to ask yourself this question, ‘is it possible for anyone in the world to do this? Can anyone in the world stick to a plan? Can anyone in the world change their habits? Can anyone in the world stop eating when they've had physically enough’. And the answer of course is yes. There's people all around you that are doing this, naturally. So if there's anyone in the world who this is possible for, you need to start telling yourself that it's possible for you. I also want you to think that you are inching your way towards this change. Can we flip the switch and go inside your brain and ban those thoughts that create hopelessness and helplessness? No. I wish that we could. I wish there were a little pill that I could give you that would do that. But there's not. So it's not going to be a black and white sudden change that you wake up one day, totally thinking different. But what is possible is inching your way to the new thoughts. Inching your way to the thoughts that will make you feel and really believe that you can do this. And that there's nothing wrong with you. You're not the exception. I also want you to consider thinking that no matter how close to the beginning you are, and how little change you've affected so far, that as long as you're working on this, and thinking about it, you're doing it. You're in the process of doing it. If you haven't done it yet, that's okay. You're inching your way towards doing it. You do not need to look for proof that you've already done it. There is no proof yet. Right? But is there proof that you're making the effort? Yes. Is there proof that there's anyone else in the world who's thinking in a way that you could mimic? Yes. Is there proof that this is doable by somebody in the world, without unique, special skills? Yes. And is it possible to believe that you are inching your way toward change in how you think, feel, and act. Yes. And that is what I want you to focus on. Because as you do this, what you will be doing, is creating new evidence, creating new proof, to get rid of those old secret fears. That you'll never lose it. You just can't do this. You're the exception. And there's something wrong with you. Not true. None of them are true. So you need to catch yourself when you go into those stories, and make a U turn immediately. Don't get mad at yourself. It’s just a practiced habit. But make that U turn and say, ‘Oh, I'm just going into my, I'm the great exception story. That's not true’. Until it becomes natural for you. So that's it for this subject in our coaching session today. I want you to stay aware of what your secret fears are, and bring them to the surface. Shine the light on them. This is how we will change them. Because otherwise, even though they're in the back of your mind, they're going to create feelings that influence everything you do. Every choice you make. And that, you know, is going to affect your outcome, your result. And if we want to change the result, what you do, how you eat, what you weigh, then we've got to go backwards and change those feelings. So it's okay. I want them to come to the surface. I want you to deal with them. And I will help you. I hope to see you back next week, where we're going to continue to work on your arm goals and your daily habits, step by step, inch by inch.