Episode Transcript
One of the biggest hidden obstacles women over 50 face when trying to tone their arms,
is the belief that other people are the reason it's so hard to follow through.
Whether it’s a partner who brings home takeout, friends who roll their eyes at your
workout plan, or family members who say you’re “no fun” anymore—this episode will
show you how to take your power back.
Hey everyone! Welcome to The Arm Coach podcast, episode 67!
How are you? I’m doing great. Today we’re diving into something I know a lot of you
have been bumping up against—relationships. And I’m not talking about romantic
drama or family gossip. I’m talking about how certain relationships can feel like they’re
making it harder to stick with your arm-toning goals.
I hear this from so many women:
“I want to stay consistent with my workouts, but my husband keeps bringing home
takeout.”
“My best friend says I’m no fun when I won’t skip the gym for happy hour.”
“My family just doesn’t get it—they roll their eyes when I bring my dumbbells on
vacation.”
Or this one: “My grown kids think I’m obsessed. They tell me, ‘Just relax, Mom!’ when I
try to stick to my food plan.”
I get it. If you’ve had thoughts like these, you’re not alone. I used to think the same way.
I’d start building momentum, and then one conversation, one unsupportive comment, or
one dinner out would throw me off course—and I’d blame the people around me for it.
I still remember this moment years ago when I’d finally committed to a consistent
strength routine and clean eating for a few weeks. I felt amazing—stronger, more
energized, more in control. And then one night, my partner came home with pizza, wine,
and a “let’s just chill tonight” attitude. It was supposed to be my workout night. And I was
furious. I didn’t say it out loud, but I was thinking: “Seriously? I’ve told you how good I
feel. Why are you making this harder?”
And I went along with it. Skipped the workout. Ate the pizza. Told myself I’d “start again
tomorrow.” But underneath, I felt defeated. I kept telling myself that if he were more
supportive, I’d be further along.
But here’s what I want you to hear today:
Your relationships are not the obstacle to getting toned arms.
They are the mirror, reflecting back the thoughts and beliefs that are keeping you stuck.
That frustration? That urge to blame? That resistance?
It’s not them—it’s what you’re making their actions mean. And once you start seeing
that, everything changes.
Alright, so if you’ve been with me for a bit, you’ve heard me talk about this: your
thoughts create your feelings, your feelings drive your actions, and your actions
create your results—especially when it comes to getting toned, strong arms.
But here’s the question that always comes up:
Where do other people fit into this?
What about your partner who keeps bringing home snacks?
What about your friend who jokes that you're getting "too into this fitness thing"?
What about the family member who rolls their eyes when you ask where the protein is?
Where do their actions fit in when it comes to you reaching your goals?
And here’s what I want to offer you: the people in your life—their words, their behavior,
their reactions—all of that is neutral.
It’s just data... until you have a thought about it.
That’s right. Someone can bring home cookies. Someone can tease you about your
workouts.
But none of that affects your emotions until you have a thought like:
“They’re sabotaging me.”
“They don’t support me.”
“Why can’t they take me seriously?”
Those thoughts? That’s what creates the frustration. Not their action—the meaning you
give it.
Now if you’re thinking, “Wait, are you saying people can’t hurt my feelings?”
Yep. That’s exactly what I’m saying. And I know that might sound wild at first.
But it’s also amazing news.
Because think about it—if someone says, “You’re never going to stick with this,” that’s
just them offering you a thought to believe.
It’s your decision whether or not to pick it up and run with it.
Here’s an example:
Let’s say someone sees you lifting weights and says, “That’s not going to do much at
your age.”
That’s just a sentence coming out of their mouth.
But if you think, “They’re right, I’m too old,” now you feel discouraged.
If you think, “They have no idea what they’re talking about,” you feel determined.
Same comment. Totally different outcome.
So when someone makes a remark or acts unsupportively, you always get to ask:
“What am I making this mean?”
Because if your emotional state depended on what other people say or do, you’d be
stuck in reaction mode forever—exhausted, constantly shape-shifting to avoid
judgment.
And honestly? That’s where a lot of women over 50 are stuck.
Trying to keep everyone happy. Making sure nobody’s offended.
Avoiding looking ‘too serious’ about their goals, just so no one makes a comment.
I know this cycle because I lived it. It’s draining.
And it distracts you from what really matters—your growth, your strength, and your
commitment to yourself.
One of my favorite things I ever heard from a coach is this:
“You can be the juiciest, sweetest peach on the tree… and there will still be someone
who just doesn’t like peaches.”
Isn’t that the truth?
Some people love peaches. Some people think they’re mushy or weird or too fuzzy.
So who’s right? Is the peach good or is the peach bad?
Neither.
The peach is just… a peach. It’s neutral. It doesn’t become “good” or “bad” until
someone has a thought about it.
And this applies to you too—especially as you start making changes in your life.
You decide you’re going to get stronger, show up for your workouts, eat differently, carry
those resistance bands in your suitcase—and suddenly people have opinions.
“You’re being extreme.”
“Live a little!”
“You don’t need to tone your arms, you’re fine the way you are.”
And when those opinions come in, it’s easy to start wondering:
“Am I doing something wrong?”
“Am I being too much?”
But hear me on this:
Not everyone’s going to agree with how you’re living your life.
Not everyone’s going to think your new habits are awesome.
And that’s okay.
The moment you give people permission not to like you—or not to get what you’re
doing—is the moment you finally start to feel free.
You stop shrinking.
You stop explaining.
You stop editing yourself to make others comfortable.
Because trying to get everyone to approve of your choices?
That’s not strength. That’s exhaustion.
And let’s be real—you’ve got better things to build.
Like toned arms. And self-trust. And a body that reflects the commitments you’re
making to yourself.
Okay, so if you’re with me so far—if you’re starting to see that other people don’t cause
your feelings, the next thing I usually hear is this:
“Alright, fine… maybe strangers or coworkers don’t control how I feel.
But my loved ones? My partner, my kids, my friends?
They should know better. They shouldn’t be critical.
They should always be supportive. They should love me no matter what.”
And listen—I get it.
When you start showing up differently… when you skip dessert, lift weights, get up early
to move your body—it can feel jarring when someone close to you doesn’t celebrate
that.
It can feel disappointing when they’re not clapping for your progress.
But here’s what I want you to ask yourself:
Are you doing that for yourself?
Are you cheering yourself on?
Are you being kind to yourself?
Are you speaking to yourself like someone who believes in your potential?
Or are you—like so many women—being your own worst critic?
How often do you tear yourself down after missing a workout?
How often do you call yourself lazy, inconsistent, or hopeless?
How often do you judge your progress or beat yourself up over a slip?
Here’s what happens when you do that:
You stop taking responsibility for how you feel, and you start outsourcing it.
You silently hand it over to the people closest to you and say,
“I need you to always be kind. I need you to always say the right thing.
Because I don’t know how to do that for myself yet.”
And let me tell you—that’s way too much pressure to put on anyone else.
They’re human. They’ve got their own battles. Their own brain drama.
They don’t always get it right.
But that’s okay—because it’s not their job to make you feel supported.
That job belongs to you.
It’s your job to show up with compassion.
To encourage yourself when things get hard.
To stop talking to yourself like someone you don’t even like.
Your journey to toned arms—and to long-term success—isn’t about getting more
validation from others.
It’s about finally learning to give it to yourself.
Now, here’s the truth:
A lot of us don’t even realize we’re doing this.
We don’t realize we’ve handed over the job of feeling confident and supported to the
people around us. We don’t see how often we’re expecting our partners or kids or
friends to carry that for us.
If you’re still unsure about this idea, try thinking about it like this:
What happens when someone close to you says something kind—
“You look amazing.”
“You’re so strong.”
“I’m proud of you.”
“You’re crushing this.”
Do you fully take it in?
Or is your knee-jerk reaction to dismiss it?
“Oh, they’re just being nice.”
“They don’t really mean it.”
“They don’t know the whole story.”
Right?
If people can’t make you feel bad without your permission,
then guess what?
They also can’t make you feel good without your participation.
So many women in this arm-toning journey are stuck in this loop:
They’re waiting on someone else to make them feel seen.
To notice the effort.
To confirm that the change is worth it.
But if you’re not giving that to yourself,
if you’re not believing in your own worth,
you’ll end up rejecting the compliments just as fast as the criticism.
That’s why your first job—the most important rep you’ll ever do—is learning to speak to
yourself with respect.
Clean up how you talk to you.
Catch those quiet little jabs:
“I should be further along.”
“This is pointless.”
“I always fall off eventually.”
Start questioning those thoughts.
Not by flipping them into fake positivity, but by getting honest:
“Is that thought helping me?”
“Would I say that to someone I love?”
Because when you learn to support you, no matter what,
you stop needing other people to do it perfectly.
Their opinions and judgments?
You’ll see them for what they are—reflections of them, not evidence about you.
And that, my friend, is power.
So I want to pull everything we’ve talked about together and apply it to this really
common belief that many of you have—this idea that your relationships are getting in
the way of your progress.
Let’s recap the two key truths:
People and their behavior are neutral until you think a thought about them.
You are in charge of your feelings—because you get to decide whether or not to
believe someone else’s words or actions.
Now let’s bring this back to your arm-toning journey.
One thing I hear all the time is:
“It’s just so hard to stay consistent when I’m around people who don’t care about
health.”
“My husband orders pizza.”
“My girlfriends want to skip workouts and go out for cocktails.”
“My family keeps tempting me with dessert.”
Here’s what I want you to understand:
Other people’s actions are not what’s tempting you.
Your thoughts about their actions are what’s creating that urge to quit or give in.
It’s not the pizza that’s pulling you in—it’s the thought:
“Ugh, that looks so good, I want some.”
“This isn’t fair.”
“Everyone else is relaxing—I want to join them.”
“It’s just one night, what’s the point?”
That’s where the real temptation comes from.
Not from what they’re doing. From what you’re thinking about it.
And when you see that, you get your power back.
Because now? You don’t need your partner to stop ordering takeout.
You don’t need your friends to suddenly fall in love with strength training.
You don’t have to avoid social situations or wait for everyone around you to change.
You just get to practice being around those exact same people,
noticing your thoughts,
and shifting your mindset.
That’s how you build real freedom.
Not by controlling everyone else—but by managing what you make their actions mean.
Other people eating differently, skipping workouts, or not “getting” your goals?
That’s not your problem.
Your only job is to stay connected to your reasons and to stop letting their choices
rewrite your story.
Now, I know what some of you are probably thinking:
“Okay, maybe they’re not tempting me, but my husband still isn’t being supportive.”
“It would be so much easier if he were just on board with this.”
I hear this all the time. And trust me, I get it.
But let me ask you something that might surprise you:
Why do you need anyone to support a decision you’ve already made?
Really. Sit with that for a second.
We walk around with this unspoken rule that our partners, our friends, our families
should support our lifestyle changes.
But why?
Do you need someone to support your decision to stop at a red light?
Do you need applause every time you choose to brush your teeth or take your vitamins?
No.
Because you’re solid in those decisions.
You’re not questioning them.
You don’t need outside validation because you’re not sitting in doubt.
Here’s the truth most people don’t talk about:
When you feel unsure about your decision, when you’re wrestling with thoughts like,
“Is this going to work?”
“Can I really follow through this time?”
“What if I quit again?”
…that’s when you start needing other people to back you up.
So when your husband says,
“You don’t need to work out today,”
or your friend says,
“Just enjoy the dessert—you’ve been good all week,”
your brain spirals—not because of them, but because it pokes at your own uncertainty.
If you were 100% committed to this being the right path for you,
if you believed with full conviction that this is how you want to live—
getting stronger, showing up, treating your body with respect—
then you wouldn’t need anyone to co-sign it.
You’d just do it.
Like paying the check at a restaurant.
If someone said, “You don’t have to pay,” you’d laugh and say,
“Uhh… yeah I do. That’s just what I do.”
The same goes for this journey.
You don’t need your partner’s permission to take care of your body.
You don’t need your best friend’s approval to say no to skipping your workout.
You need your own support.
That’s it.
Now... I know what you're going to say next:
“Okay, but what about my best friend who doesn’t want me to change?”
Here’s something else you need to know on this journey:
Some people in your life won’t want you to change.
And honestly? That’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything’s gone wrong.
I experienced this too. When I first started showing up differently—lifting weights,
skipping the indulgent meals, actually sticking to my commitments—there were people
who didn’t love it. People who used to bond with me over takeout or skipping workouts
suddenly weren’t so thrilled that I was doing things differently.
Now, here’s the key:
When someone doesn’t like that you’re changing, you have two choices.
You can make it mean something about you—
“Maybe I am being selfish.”
“Maybe I’m overdoing it.”
“Maybe I’m no fun anymore.”
Or—you can recognize that it has nothing to do with you.
It’s about them and how your change is highlighting something in their life.
Because here’s what happens:
When everyone’s doing the same thing—skipping workouts, grabbing comfort food,
rolling their eyes at healthy habits—nobody has to question anything.
It feels normal. Comfortable. Agreed upon.
But the moment you make a different choice?
The moment you say,
“No thanks, I’m going to move my body instead.”
“I’ve already planned my meals.”
“I don’t want to skip my workout today,”
you’ve broken that unspoken agreement.
And now, without even trying to, you’re holding up a mirror.
Your consistency makes them question their inconsistency.
Your commitment makes them feel their own avoidance.
Your strength shines a light on where they’re not showing up.
That can feel uncomfortable—for them.
And most people don’t want to sit in that discomfort. So what do they do?
They try to get you to shrink back down. To “go back to normal.”
Not because they don’t care about you—
but because your growth is triggering something in them.
Your job isn’t to manage their discomfort.
Your job is to stay with your own truth, even if it creates friction.
Because real change will always shake the status quo.
And that’s not a problem—it’s proof you’re on the right track.
And one of the ways people push back when you're changing is by saying things like:
“You’re just not as fun anymore.”
“Come on, live a little.”
“It’s not the same when you’re always ‘on plan’ or skipping dessert.”
“I can’t enjoy this if you’re not indulging too.”
I heard versions of this all the time.
And for a while, I took it really personally.
I wanted everyone to think I was fun. Chill. Easygoing.
When someone said otherwise? It lit me up.
“I am fun! Don’t say that!”
I’d get defensive, almost desperate to prove them wrong.
But deep down, their words stung because they tapped into something I was already
questioning.
Eventually, I had to get honest with myself.
I asked:
“Okay… how do I act when I’m choosing to honor my goals?”
“Am I showing up as the fun version of me—or am I stuck in my head the whole
time?”
And the truth?
A lot of times, I wasn’t that fun.
But it had nothing to do with skipping dessert or ordering grilled chicken.
It had everything to do with my internal dialogue.
I was so wrapped up in:
“What are they thinking of me?”
“Do they think I’m being extreme?”
“Am I being judged?”
“Do I even belong here if I’m not partaking?”
And those thoughts made me feel awkward, self-conscious, and disconnected.
Of course I wasn’t being playful or relaxed—I was battling a storm in my head.
Here’s what I had to learn:
For years, I had outsourced fun. I had outsourced ease. I had outsourced confidence.
To food. To fitting in. To being the one who said “yes” so nobody felt uncomfortable.
And when I stopped doing that, I had to relearn how to access those feelings on my
own.
So if you’ve ever found yourself thinking,
“I don’t feel like myself when I say no to certain foods.”
Or,
“I’m not as fun when I’m focused on my goals,”
I want you to ask yourself:
Is that really true? Or are you just uncomfortable sitting in your own growth?
And if the answer is,
“Yeah… I’m not quite that fun right now,”
that’s okay.
You’re not broken.
You’re just learning how to show up differently—without the old crutches.
You can always go back to the version of you who used food or skipping workouts to
blend in.
Or you can choose to keep going—
To become the woman who knows how to enjoy herself
because of her strength and presence, not in spite of it.
Those skills—confidence, ease, fun—they’re not gone.
They’re just buried under old stories.
And you can absolutely get them back.
And finally, let’s talk about the one I hear most often:
“My loved ones are just stressing me out. I need relief.”
Here’s the thing:
If people can’t cause your feelings—including frustration or hurt—then they also can’t
cause your stress.
What creates stress isn’t your husband leaving dishes in the sink, or your friend rolling
her eyes at your workout schedule.
It’s what you’re thinking about those things.
It’s thoughts like:
“They don’t get it.”
“They should be more supportive.”
“They’re making this harder than it needs to be.”
“I have too much on my plate and no one cares.”
That inner narrative?
That’s what’s driving your overwhelm.
Not the people. Not the situation.
Your stress is coming from you, and that’s great news.
Because if your stress is coming from your thoughts, then you’re not powerless.
You don’t have to wait for your spouse to suddenly “get it” or for your job to be less
chaotic.
You can start shifting your thoughts—right now.
The alternative?
Handing all your emotional power over to other people and saying,
“You have to act a certain way so I can feel okay.”
And listen… that’s not sustainable. That’s exhausting.
You’ll spend all your energy trying to manage them, instead of managing what’s actually
in your control—you.
So here’s the big takeaway from today’s episode:
If you believe your relationships are the reason it’s so hard to stay consistent with your
arm-toning goals…
If you believe your family is the reason you’re tempted or stressed or not showing up…
I want to gently offer that what’s really standing in the way… is your relationship with
yourself.
Because when you don’t fully support you...
When you criticize yourself, judge yourself, beat yourself up, talk yourself out of showing
up—
Then of course you’re desperate for someone else to come in and do that job for you.
But here’s the truth:
You’re the one who’s creating the desire.
You’re the one stressing yourself out.
You’re the one doubting whether you’re capable.
And until you shift that, you’ll stay stuck in the pattern of trying to change other people
so you can feel better.
And that doesn’t work.
But when you take full responsibility for how you feel—
When you see how your thoughts create your emotions, your actions, and ultimately
your results—
Everything changes.
Your workouts feel more doable.
Your plan feels more aligned.
And the people around you? They don’t need to change. Because you did.
So here’s your challenge:
Focus on strengthening your relationship with yourself.
That’s what builds trust.
That’s what builds consistency.
And that’s what leads to toned, sculpted arms and a stronger, more empowered version
of you.
Alright my friends, thanks for listening. I’ll see you next week.
