Change requires discomfort, but the habits you’re trying to
change, your overeating and not working out, the habits you’re
trying to change offer comfort. Change requires discomfort, but
the habits you’re trying to change offer comfort.
Let me explain what you need to sustain you when you run head
first into resistance and how to keep taking action when you feel
uncomfortable.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to The Arm Coach podcast, episode
#18.
Before we get started I wanted to remind you that at the end of
the month I’m sending one of you a $100 dollar Visa gift card. It’s
going to someone who has written a review for the Arm Coach
podcast. So if you’re loving this podcast, be sure to leave a
review on whichever platform you’re listening.
O what’s happening? How are you? It is a beautiful, beautiful day
in Wisconsin. We have bright blue skies that I’m looking at right
now, June gloom is nowhere to be found, which means that I am
not wearing a rain coat in the middle of June, which makes me
very happy. Alright, so I had a whole plan for what I was going to
talk about on today, but right before our call, I had a coaching
call with one of my clients, and she reminded me of something
that I think is so important, something that I think a lot of you
listening to are going to really relate to. And so I decided to scrap
everything and switch topics.
We were talking about the work she was doing to sculpt her arms,
and she said to me, ‘you know Kristine, sometimes I feel like the
person who I really am, the real me, is trapped inside this other
person who is struggling with her eating and arm workouts. Like
there are two parts of me, and I’m at war with myself, and I just
want to finally figure out who I am without this arm struggle so
that the real me can come out of hiding.’ I will tell you that when
she said this, it stopped me right in my tracks because it brought
me right back to what it was like when I was struggling with my
eating and my body.
You guys, I have such a vivid memory of living on Vine St., waking
up in my bedroom, looking in the mirror, and thinking to myself, I
know this isn’t right, this isn’t who I’m supposed to be, this isn’t
what I’m supposed to be doing, this is not how I want to care for
my body. But the problem was I didn’t have the first clue how to
fix it or how to get out of the situation that I was in, and I know
that a lot of you out there can relate to this idea, this idea that it
doesn’t feel like you. It feels like there’s a real you and then there’s
a part of you that is struggling, and like you’re at war with yourself
and you don’t know why.
If you’ve ever thought of this, if you’ve ever thought something
similar to what my client said to me today, then you know how
disorienting it is. It’s like you’re adrift in your own body. You keep
going through the motions of life, the motions of eating too much,
blowing off workouts, the motions of whatever habit that you’re
doing that you don’t want to be doing, drinking too much,
spending too much, watching too much, whatever, and wondering
how did I get here? Especially since what you’re doing and how
you’re acting and where you are in your life doesn’t feel right.
So if you can relate to this, if you turn around and you look at your
arms and your life and you think, wait, what? How did it happen
that I became this person who polishes off a tub of ice cream
without meaning to? How is it that I’m waking up on the couch
with an empty Oreo container in my lap after I promised myself
that I would follow my nutrition plan? And when am I going to
figure this out? Or, worse yet, wondering, will I ever figure this
out? If you can relate to any of that, then today’s episode is for
you, because I am going to show you the piece that you’re missing.
Look, the reason you’re not changing, the reason that you’re not
moving forward on your arm goals is because you are missing one
very simple thing: a compelling reason. Now, I know that some of
you are listening and like, ‘no, I know what my reason is, and it
matters a lot to me. I’m sick of wearing long sleeves in the
summer, I’m sick of waking up not recognizing myself in the
mirror, I’m sick of wasting time every night watching TV with
Oreos in my hand.’ But here’s the truth: whatever your reason is
right now, it is not compelling enough. Because if it was
compelling enough, you would already be on your way to change,
instead of feeling stuck in this place where you’re not living the
life you’re meant to.
A compelling reason is exciting, it captures your attention. It
makes you think, I want to do this, I want to go for it. When you
have a compelling reason, you’re like, okay, when do we start? A
compelling reason compels you to action, that’s why it’s called a
compelling reason. So I want you to think about the reason you
have in your mind right now to sculpt your arms. Whatever
reason it is, does that reason excite you? Does it make you think, I
want this no matter what, or, does it just seem nice? Does it seem
nice to not wake up unrecognizable anymore? Does it seem nice
not to waste your evenings eating Oreos watching TV? Does it
seem nice not to have wear long sleeves in the summer?
You really need to ask yourself this question about your current
reason, and be honest with yourself, because nice is not going to
cut it. Because changing your eating and lifting weights
consistently– but really changing anything in your life, will be
uncomfortable. There are no two ways about it. Change forces you
to grow, it forces you to step outside of your comfort zone. You
have to do the hard work if you want the change of going to the
movies and not eating the entire tub of popcorn. You have to do
the hard work of doing your arm workout instead of scrolling on
your phone. You have to do the hard work of coming home after a
long day and not using Oreos to take the edge off of how you feel.
All of those things require discomfort, and if your reason to sculpt
your arms just feels kind of nice, it’s not going to sustain you
when you run head first into discomfort. This is why your reason
has to be compelling. It has to motivate you to keep moving
forward, to keep taking action, even when you feel uncomfortable.
Because when you’re in the process of trying to change a habit,
when you’re going through the discomfort of changing what is
automatic and routine, part of you knows that there is a quick and
easy fix to feel better. I say this all the time. That is what food and
screens are. A quick and easy fix to change how you feel.
Alright, so think of it this way: change requires discomfort, but
the habit you’re trying to change, your overeating and not working
out, the habit you’re trying to change offers comfort. Change
requires discomfort, but the habit you’re trying to change offers
comfort. When you feel anxious or bored or lonely or stressed or
insecure, you get into the habit of having a snack to feel better.
The habit, the food provides comfort, but change requires
discomfort. Do you see the bind that you’re in? To change a habit,
you have to move away from comfort, towards discomfort, but the
habit itself, the very thing you’re moving away from is the thing
that provides comfort. You taught yourself unknowingly that
overeating or scrolling on your phone, was the answer to feeling
uncomfortable. And now you need to feel uncomfortable in order
to change. It’s crazy.
Now, food might be your current solution when you feel
uncomfortable, but it comes with a lot of repercussions, right? It’s
not sustainable. It feels good in the moment, it feels good once
have a bite, but leaves you feeling worse in the long run. But you
know what? The same is true of all your habits. Drinking,
spending, watching, whatever it is, all these habits are easy fixes
that do nothing for your overall wellbeing. They just give you
short-term comfort.
And this is why you need a compelling reason. You need a reason
that feels better than just nice. You need something that will
sustain you when you’re facing down discomfort and your brain
has learned that the answer to feeling better is just one tub of ice
cream away. So think about that, and you know, culturally, we’ve
all been sold this idea that you have to hit rock bottom before you
can change. You have to have lost everything or woken up in the
gutter or ruined your life and admit that you have no power before
you can begin the process of doing something differently. Only
then, only once you’ve supposedly hit rock bottom, when
everything is on the line, will you have a truly compelling reason
to change.
But you know what? I think that’s BS. It’s really wrong. The idea
that you need to hit rock bottom in order to find a truly
compelling reason is crazy to me. And you know what? It might
even be the thing that is keeping you stuck right now. I know that
for a period of time when I was struggling, I would think to
myself, well, maybe I’m not able to change my overeating because
things haven’t gotten bad enough yet. Maybe things need to get
really bad so that I can move forward. But isn’t that crazy to
think? Isn’t that a crazy idea? But it’s the idea that we’ve been
sold, that we need to hit rock bottom so that we can finally find
our compelling reason, and I think that’s why the idea of being
powerless is so prevalent, because what would be more
compelling than the idea that you must stop overeating because
you have no agency and no power?
Except of course for many of us, the idea of being powerless is
actually demotivating, and also, it’s not true. The real problem is
actually so much simpler. It’s not that things haven’t gotten bad
enough for you, it’s not that you just haven’t sunk to the lowest
depth in order to find your compelling reason. It’s that no one
ever taught you that it’s possible to find a compelling reason. No
one ever taught you how to do it. Any behavior, not just your
eating or fitness habits, any behavior that’s not serving you, you
can find a compelling reason to change, and it doesn’t have to be
when you’re in the depths of despair.
You don’t need to be at the point where you can’t get through the
day without overeating, or overeating is interfering with your job
and your relationships and your life in order to move forward.
And I will tell you, that this is where I was stuck, because I had a
million reasons to change my overeating. I hated how I felt in the
morning, I hated looking in the mirror and thinking, how is this
what I look like, I hated all the clothes in my closet, I hated the
things I would do like pulling food out of the trash, and I hated – I
hated waking up every day and regretting all I ate the night
before.
I’ll tell you, I so clearly remember waking up one morning so
ashamed about what I ate the night before and thinking, god, if I
can just capture how I feel right now, I promise I’ll never be so
stupid again. I was living in Iowa, I was in my thirties, a friend
had invited me to a networking event where I really didn’t know
anyone there except for her, and honestly, I didn’t want to go. I
knew I was going to feel so awkward, but I pushed myself to go
because I was also at the same time really struggling with how
lonely I felt at that time in my life. So I promised myself that I
would go, but I also said I’m not going to eat or drink. I don’t
know these people and I don’t want to embarrass myself. I don’t
want to have an unpredictable night. But then I got there, I got to
the event and I was so right. Everything was so awkward.
Everyone there seemed to know one another, and they all had
these glamorous jobs and were well travelled and thin and talking
about people and places I knew nothing about, and everybody was
eating and drinking and looking totally at ease and looking like
they were having a great time. Meanwhile, I was in the corner and
I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I couldn’t stop thinking about
how awkward I felt and how insecure and how I so didn’t belong
here. I didn’t belong at this event, and finally I thought to myself,
god, screw it, I can’t do this, I’m too uncomfortable. And so I
headed to the food table and had one hor d’oeuvre, and one led to
another and another and the next thing I knew, the platter was
completely empty. I felt so miserable and had a very hazy memory
about how I managed to eat the entire platter of hors d’oeuvres.
And I thought, “Kristine, how did you do this again? You’re here,
and you feel terrible physically and emotionally.” And I thought,
“Okay, if I can just remember this feeling, if I can just capture this
moment, maybe I will change.” So I went home and I wrote in my
journal about how miserable and sick and embarrassed and
ashamed I was, and I thought, “Okay, maybe this is the ticket.
Maybe this is the moment when I will change.” And you know
what? Looking at that journal entry worked for maybe a week, and
then I was back to my old ways because not feeling awkward or
bored paled in comparison to the relief that food gave me in the
moment that was so uncomfortable.
I needed a reason that would be truly compelling when faced with
that discomfort. I needed to get to a deeper and more meaningful
reason that really could compel me. Something that would
connect me to a core motivation that would compel me to stay the
course even when things got difficult, and so this is what I want to
show you how to do.
So first, you’re going to start with a premise, and for some of you,
that will be ending overeating, and for others it will be sculpting
your arms. It doesn’t matter what that premise is. Just start with a
premise, and then ask yourself, why do I want it? Why do I want
to stop overeating? Why do I want to sculpt my arms? And then
answer that question. Just go with the first thing that you come up
with. You don’t have to start going real deep right there, just see
what your brain says.
But here’s the thing, once you get that answer, don’t stop. Keep
digging. Take the answer that you came up with, maybe it’s to lose
weight or to wear sleeveless clothes or to feel more accomplished,
whatever it is, take that answer and then ask yourself why you
want that thing, and with each answer you get, repeat the process
of asking yourself why five times in a row. Keep going. Keep going
deeper and digging. Keep looking for that compelling reason. I
will tell you, this is harder than it sounds, I promise. It sounds
simple, but it’s not so simple.
After your first answer, your brain is going to be like, I don’t
know, I don’t know why I want this thing, I just want it. I just do,
isn’t it obvious? Right? Isn’t it obvious why someone would want
to lose weight? Isn’t it obvious why someone would want to wear
fashionable clothes or be more accomplished or stop feeling
crappy? But you have to keep digging. So I’m going to run you
through an example of how this will work so that you can try this
on your own.
So let’s start out with the premise, I want to sculpt my arms. So
you would ask yourself, okay, well why do I want to sculpt my
arms? And that first reason might be something like so I can go
sleeveless. Okay, that’s really common, I hear that from people all
the time. But let’s go a little bit deeper. So ask yourself, well why
do I want to go sleeveless? And it’s one of those things where your
brain might say, it’s obvious, why wouldn’t you want to, right?
We’re so conditioned that sculpted is better. But really try to find
an answer, and you might come up with a reason like I want to
sculpt my arms so I won’t have to hide when I’m at the beach this
summer. That’s fine, use that answer. Use that answer to ask
yourself why again. Why do you not want to hide at the beach this
summer? And after some thinking, you might say, well really I
want that because I want to be more confident. Okay, so see, we’re
getting a little bit deeper here, but now keep going. Why do you
want to be more confident? And notice how your brain will be
like, well, because everybody wants to be more confident, right?
But keep going, keep digging. Ask yourself, well really, why do I
want to be more confident? And maybe you’ll come up with an
answer like, well, if I’m more confident, then I can stop worrying
about what others think of me, and that would be great.
So this is good, but you’ve only gone four times. You only asked
yourself why four times, and I want you to still go deeper. I want
you to push past when you think you’ve gotten to the deepest
point. Ask yourself why again, and in this case, ask yourself, well
why do I want to stop worrying about what other people think?
And this answer, at this point, is probably going to be pretty
challenging for you. It might be a struggle to keep digging. But if
you keep digging, you might come up with an answer like, so I can
stop holding myself back and be more daring in life.
Now, pay attention. Notice that at the very beginning, you started
with a reason of I want to sculpt my arms, and at the end, you got
to a reason, I want to sculpt my arms so I can stop holding myself
back and be more daring in life. Now, which one do you think is
more compelling? Which one do you think is more exciting, more
motivating, more likely to keep you moving, keep you taking
action when you’re faced with discomfort?
You need a compelling reason, and now you have a way to find it,
so test this out! Try it out. Ask yourself why five times. It really is
harder than it seems. I know it was for me. I had to keep digging
and digging and digging to find a reason that was truly
compelling, and truth be told, as I am working on other things in
my life that I want to change today, I still use this practice and it is
still challenging for me to really you know, scratch beneath the
surface and really come up with that reason that’s going to be
truly compelling.
When I was stuck in this place of feeling like this isn’t right, this
isn’t who I’m supposed to be, this isn’t how my body and life are
supposed to look, I’m not supposed to be waking up
unrecognizable and miserable all the time, all I could see initially
for a compelling reason was how I was looking in the mirror. Not
feeling tired all the time, not having regret. But when I started to
do this work, I started to dig, I uncovered a compelling reason
that was so much bigger, and I talk about this a lot. I talk about
how that compelling reason that I discovered was about being
proud of who I am.
So in that moment when I felt so uncomfortable, especially
knowing that there was this quick and easy fix to change how I
felt, I had that compelling reason. I had that reason of being
proud of who I am, it was something that I could tether my
resolve to. Being proud of myself was a compelling reason that
worked for me.
Now, who knows what your compelling reason will be, right? But
the truth is, you probably don’t know right now. Whatever reason
that you have, whatever reason that you’ve been telling yourself is
the reason you want to sculpt your arms, it’s not compelling
enough, because if it was, it would be working for you. So if you’re
struggling to find a compelling reason, I really want you to try this
exercise out. Write it down, you cannot do this work in your head.
Really commit yourself to be willing to dig deep even when your
brain is like, duh, why wouldn’t you want that. Keep digging, keep
going below the surface, and you might have to try it out several
times. You might have a couple versions, you might get to the fifth
why and feel like, I don’t know, is that really compelling?
Just keep trying. Keep digging, because if you’re feeling stuck, if
you’re feeling like there’s some part of you that is trapped, like
you’re at war with yourself, or if change just feels so elusive, then
you need to really get to that deeper knowledge that can spur you
on when change feels uncomfortable, because I promise, it will.
And in the face of that discomfort, when you know that comfort is
just a spoonful or scroll away, even though it’s not sustainable,
you need that compelling reason to keep you motivated.
So, that’s it for today everyone. Let me know what you think or if
you have any questions. And remember to get entered to win a
100 dollar visa gift card by leaving the show a review. Thanks for
listening and I’ll talk to you all next week.
Alright everybody, thanks for listening. I love hearing from you
guys, you can always send me an email with questions or
comments or ideas for episodes. Just send it to
[email protected] and I’ll see you next week.
