069: Want Consistency? Learn to Sit With Yourself First

What if your biggest breakthroughs in arm toning aren’t about workouts or nutrition—but about how you handle being alone? Today I’m diving into an often-overlooked part of the fitness journey: your ability to be with yourself. If you find yourself constantly distracted, reaching for snacks at night, or skipping workouts when no one’s watching, this conversation is for you. Hey everyone! Welcome to The Arm Coach podcast, episode 69! How are you doing today? How’s your day going? Now listen, since you're listening to this podcast right now, there's a good chance you’re alone. And that’s exactly what we’re talking about today—being alone. Here’s my first question for you: Do you actually like being alone? I don’t mean being alone with the TV on, or scrolling your phone, or listening to a podcast. I mean really alone. No background noise. No distractions. No emails, no texting, no social media, no cleaning, no multitasking—just you. This is a powerful question when it comes to creating lasting change in your body—especially your arms. Because here’s what I’ve seen over and over again: your ability to be alone with yourself—fully present, without escape—is one of the most underrated skills when it comes to consistency. When you’re not constantly distracted, that’s when the real work begins. That’s when you notice the thoughts that make you want to quit, or delay your workout, or snack instead of showing up for yourself. And I’ve seen it in my own life, too. Learning to just be with myself—without trying to numb or rush past discomfort—has transformed my relationship with food, movement, and my body. And it’s done the same for my clients. So today, we’re going to talk about what being alone really means. Why it might feel so uncomfortable. The little ways you might be escaping it without realizing. And how a low tolerance for solitude might actually be getting in the way of your progress. We’ll also talk about how to start building that skill of being with yourself—because it’s not just a nice-to-have. It’s a critical piece of becoming the strong, toned, committed version of you that you’re working toward. So first, I want to help you get really clear on when you’re alone. When are those moments in your life when it’s just you? No partner, no kids, no coworkers, no background noise—just you? Now I know some of you are probably thinking, “I’m never alone! There’s always someone who needs me, something going on, someone calling my name.” Especially if you’ve got grandkids running around, a partner at home, or a busy household—you might feel like you don’t even get a second to think. But I want you to challenge yourself here. I guarantee there are small pockets of alone time—those moments in the car, in the shower, after dinner, early in the morning, or late at night. Look for them. Get honest about them. Because how you use those moments matters more than you think. Now on the flip side, some of you might be in the exact opposite place—you feel like you’re alone all the time. And if that’s you, I get it. I’ve been there. I remember being in my twenties, living in a large city, single, in my own apartment—and there were weekends where I’d leave work Friday evening and not really talk to another person until Monday morning. Sure, I was out in the world—getting groceries, walking around, going to exercise classes—but it was all surface-level. I was surrounded by people, but still felt completely alone. And honestly? I struggled with that. I didn’t like being alone. I didn’t know what to do with myself when there wasn’t someone else to distract me. I’d reach for food, or my phone, or some kind of plan—just to fill the space. Because solitude? That wasn’t something I knew how to sit with. It wasn’t something I had ever practiced. And at the time, I didn’t realize how much that discomfort was getting in the way of the version of me I wanted to become. So no matter where you fall on the spectrum—whether you’re thinking, “I barely have a second to myself,” or “All I have is time alone”—I want you to start looking at the small, often overlooked moments in your day when you are by yourself. Sometimes you’re physically alone—no one else around. But other times, you might be surrounded by strangers and still feel alone in your experience. Those moments matter just as much. Let me give you a few examples: Maybe it’s while you’re driving. Or waiting in a parking lot. Standing in line at the grocery store. Sitting in the doctor’s office. Getting ready in the morning—brushing your teeth, doing your hair, getting dressed. Folding laundry. Cooking dinner. Wiping down the counters. Even laying in bed at night—especially if you wake up at 3 a.m. and can’t fall back asleep. Even if your partner is next to you, that quiet middle-of-the-night moment can feel very alone. You probably have your own list too. So I want you to think about those moments—and then ask yourself this: What do you usually do when you’re alone? Do you fill the space? Do you distract yourself? Are you on your phone? Flipping through Facebook? Scrolling Instagram? Turning on the TV? Looking for a snack even when you’re not hungry? Or… are you ever just with yourself? No distractions. No multitasking. No background noise. This is such an important thing to bring awareness to—because most of us are constantly avoiding ourselves without realizing it. And when you’re always avoiding being alone with your thoughts, it becomes almost impossible to change your relationship with food, your body, or your consistency. Being alone is where you meet yourself. And it’s where change really begins. Now, for most of you, when you really stop and think about your alone time, you’re going to notice something: you’re almost always distracting yourself. And trust me, I’ve been there too. The idea that I could just sit with myself, not doing anything—not scrolling, not planning, not reaching for a snack, not checking something off a list—honestly? That never even crossed my mind. I was always doing something. Always filling the quiet. Always keeping myself occupied. So let me ask you this: why? Why do so many of us feel the need to constantly fill space the moment we’re alone? Here’s what I’ve learned from coaching hundreds of women through this transformation: It’s because when you’re alone without any distractions, you’re left with your thoughts—and for a lot of people, that’s not a comfortable place to be. If you always need noise, food, your phone, your calendar, your to-do list—anything to occupy your mind—it might be a sign that your thoughts aren’t a place you enjoy spending time in. And this is where your brain and your body start working against each other. Because remember the think-feel-act cycle I teach inside Arms By Kristine? Being alone is completely neutral. It doesn’t feel bad or good. It just is—until your brain assigns a thought to it. If your thought is: “I should be doing something,” or “This is boring,” or “I don’t like how I feel right now,” your body responds to that thought with a feeling—restless, anxious, inadequate—and then your action will likely be to avoid. To check out. To scroll. To snack. To say, “I’ll do my workout later.” Now I was talking to a client recently, and she mentioned this fascinating study that I can’t stop thinking about. Researchers asked participants to sit in a room alone—with no distractions—for just 15 minutes and entertain themselves with only their thoughts. That’s it. Just sit. And think. And the results? Most people found it not only hard—but downright unpleasant. Fifteen minutes alone with their own mind, and the majority said it felt uncomfortable and unenjoyable. Think about that for a second. If being alone with your thoughts feels like something you need to escape, how does that affect the choices you’re making with your health, your body, your habits? This is big. And it’s something I want you to start noticing in your own life. Now, when you understand how the think-feel-act cycle works, it makes total sense why so many people say that being alone with their thoughts feels uncomfortable—or even unbearable. Because here’s the truth: if your brain is filled with negative thoughts, you’re going to feel negative emotions. But most of us don’t even realize that’s what’s happening. We’re not tuned into the running dialogue in our minds—we just know, “I don’t like being alone. It feels bad. I want to reach for something to make this go away.” We don’t question why it feels bad. We don’t realize it’s not the solitude itself—it’s the thoughts that show up when we’re not distracted. And once you see that clearly, it’s no wonder you don’t want to be left alone with your thoughts. Because those thoughts? They’re heavy. They create pressure. They bring up anxiety or guilt or restlessness. When you start intentionally spending quiet time with yourself—no phone, no food, no noise—you begin to uncover the automatic thoughts your brain is defaulting to. And for a lot of women I coach, where your mind goes without distraction? It’s not exactly kind or helpful. You might hear things like: “I’m so far behind.” “I’ll never be consistent.” “Why can’t I just stick to it?” “I’ve wasted so much time.” “My body should look better by now.” “What’s the point?” Sound familiar? Now take those thoughts and run them through the think-feel-act cycle. If you're thinking “What’s the point?” or “I’m failing again,” how do you feel? Defeated. Hopeless. Anxious. And what do you do? You skip the workout. You emotionally eat. You scroll instead of getting out for a walk. You say, “I’ll start again Monday.” So no, it’s not just about being alone. It’s about what’s coming up when the noise stops—and how those thoughts are driving your actions, especially around your health. That’s why this work matters. Because the more aware you are of what’s really happening in your mind, the more power you have to change it. Okay, so here’s where the study gets really interesting—and honestly, a little wild. After the first part of the study—where people sat alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes—the researchers took it one step further. This time, before sending participants into the room, they wired each person up to a device that would give them a small electric shock. And yes, I know—classic science experiment twist: “Let’s add an electric shock.” Here’s what they did: Before going into the room, everyone got a preview shock—just once—so they’d know exactly what it felt like. And then the researchers asked them a few questions: Did you like it? Would you ever want to feel it again? Would you pay money to avoid it? And as you’d probably expect, most people said, “No thanks. That was awful. I’d definitely pay money not to feel that again.” Then they were sent back into the room—alone for 15 minutes. Same setup. Nothing to do but sit quietly and be alone with their thoughts. But here’s the twist… Each participant now had the option to press a button and give themselves the exact same shock they had just said they hated. And guess what happened? A quarter of women—and two-thirds of men—chose to shock themselves. Let that sink in. These were people who had already said, “I don’t like this. I would pay to avoid it.” But just 15 minutes alone with their thoughts… and they decided shocking themselves felt better than being alone with their minds. Now I want you to think about this in your own life—not with an actual electric shock, but with the ways you might be “shocking” yourself when discomfort shows up. When you're alone and an urge hits—do you grab food you weren’t hungry for? Do you talk yourself out of your workout? Do you scroll, snack, overthink, or quit—just to get away from what you’re feeling? Because that’s the same thing. We’re choosing temporary relief over discomfort—over and over. Even when we know it’s not what we want long-term. Even when we’ve promised ourselves we wouldn’t. This isn’t about judgment—it’s about awareness. And when you start to see it clearly, it becomes so much easier to make a different choice. So isn’t that wild? That study really stuck with me. Because it says so much about our ability—or really, our inability—to be alone with our own minds. And if this is the first time you’re really thinking about this, and you’re realizing, “You know what? I don’t like being alone. I don’t like having no distractions”—that’s a powerful realization. So here’s the next question: What are you willing to do—or give up—just to avoid that discomfort? What habits have you built around avoiding it? This is such a huge part of why change feels hard. For so many of the women I work with, those nighttime urges to grab a snack, pour another glass of wine, or say “I’ll do my workout tomorrow”—those urges don’t come from hunger or laziness or lack of motivation. They come from boredom, loneliness, and a deep discomfort with being still. It’s that end-of-the-day moment when the noise quiets and you’re left with yourself… and suddenly the idea of doing something hard or following through on a plan feels unbearable. So your brain reaches for the fastest relief it can find—whether that’s a cookie, a glass of wine, or ditching the workout. And here's the thing: you don’t have to be alone to feel this way. You can be in a room full of people and still feel totally disconnected—like you’re just going through the motions. So what do we do? We give our brain a quick hit of dopamine. A snack. A scroll. A glass of wine. A “screw it, I’ll start Monday.” Not because those things truly solve the discomfort—but because they distract from it. And this is why changing your habits—especially around food and movement—can feel so frustrating. Because if you try to make a change (like cleaning up your eating or sticking to a workout plan), but you don’t understand your think-feel-act cycle… If you don’t know why being alone with your thoughts feels so terrible… Then it’s going to feel like you’re stuck. You’ll find yourself caught in this loop of: “I don’t like how I feel when I give in to the urge… but I also don’t like how I feel when I try to resist it.” Here’s the truth: There’s a huge difference between being alone and feeling lonely—or bored. Alone is a fact. It’s neutral. Loneliness and boredom? Those are emotions—created by your thoughts about being alone. And when you start to see that clearly, everything starts to shift. So when you catch yourself saying, “I don’t like being alone,” I want you to consider this: What you might really be saying is, “I don’t like the emotions I experience when I’m alone.” And there’s a big difference between those two. That’s why I want you to really pause and reflect: How do you feel about your time alone? And if your honest answer is something like, “I don’t love it. I feel restless, bored, or uneasy,”—then we have to ask the next question: why? And I’ll tell you right now—the answer is always in your thoughts. It’s not your schedule. It’s not your to-do list. It’s not your partner or your job or your weight. It’s the quality of the thoughts that are running through your mind when the noise stops. And the easiest way to check the quality of your thinking is to ask yourself this simple question: Do I like being completely alone—undisturbed—with just me and my thoughts? Because if the answer is no, your brain will start hunting for distractions: Scrolling. Snacking. Skipping your workout. Trying to stay “busy” to avoid what’s happening in your own mind. But if your thinking is clear, kind, focused, and supportive? You’re not afraid to be with yourself. You’re not desperate for an escape. I love thinking about it this way—the quality of your thoughts. Because we spend so much time paying attention to the quality of our food, right? Is it organic? Is it clean? Is it nourishing? But we never stop to ask: Are my thoughts clean? Are they nourishing? Or are they junk? Because so many of us are walking around with junk food thoughts—thoughts that might feel familiar, but are dragging us down. Thoughts like: “I’m behind.” “I should be further along.” “This shouldn’t be this hard.” “I’ll never get there.” Low-quality thoughts won’t build a high-quality life—or a strong, toned body. But here’s the good news: you can absolutely change them. It starts with being brave enough to look at them. And the way to do that is to spend time with yourself—on purpose. Now before you even start examining what your thoughts are when you’re alone, I want you to first ask yourself this: What do you think about being alone? Do you see it as something special? Something that could help you grow, reconnect, and realign with your goals? Or do you think of it as wasted time—something that needs to be filled, avoided, or numbed? This is important to explore. Because the way you think about solitude is going to shape how you experience it. You know, as I was preparing for this episode, I started thinking back to my own relationship with alone time. And the truth is—I used to really struggle with it. I didn’t know how to just be with myself. I didn’t see the value in it. But at the same time… I always had this quiet belief that alone time was supposed to be something beautiful. Something worth treasuring. And I realized where that belief came from. When I was little, my grandma used to read me a children’s book that I absolutely adored. It was called Bear by Himself by Geoffrey Hayes. I hadn’t thought about it in years, but it suddenly popped into my mind as I was writing this. It’s such a simple story—but so powerful. It’s about a little bear who just wants to be by himself… to think his own thoughts and sing his own songs. That’s actually how the book opens: “There are times when a bear has to be alone with himself, to think his own thoughts and sing his own songs.” Even as a child, that stuck with me. And looking back now, I realize—that is what I want you to experience with your alone time. Not fear. Not resistance. But a kind of quiet strength. A kind of trust. Because here’s what I know: Being alone is only uncomfortable when your thoughts turn against you. When your automatic thinking is filled with judgment, pressure, comparison, or self- doubt—that’s when alone time feels unbearable. That’s when your brain wants to run, to distract, to numb, to say “skip the workout” or “just eat the thing.” But once you learn how the think-feel-act cycle works, and you start observing your thoughts instead of getting swept up in them… everything changes. Suddenly, alone time becomes your greatest advantage. A space to check in. To reset. To remind yourself of who you’re becoming. Whether it feels like a blessing or a burden? That’s not about the silence. It’s about the story you’re telling yourself in the silence. If you have a low tolerance for being alone, it’s going to make changing your habits around food, exercise, and follow-through so much harder. Because whether you realize it or not, you’ve probably been using distractions—like snacking, scrolling, pouring a glass of wine, or saying “I’ll do it later”—as a way to cover up the discomfort of being with yourself. And here’s the thing: Just like a drink can dull your emotions and silence your inner critic, so can mindless eating or bailing on your plan. It gives your brain a burst of dopamine. It tricks you into thinking you’re having a better time. It lets you consume relief instead of creating peace. So instead of being present with your body and your thoughts, your brain gets conditioned to chase the fastest hit of comfort—especially when you’re tired, alone, or feeling overwhelmed. But learning how to be alone—and actually enjoy it—is the opposite of that. It’s not about escaping. It’s about showing up—as you are. It’s about getting present with your thoughts and emotions and learning how to shift them, instead of running from them. Because you can’t just remove the habit of nighttime snacking, or skipping your workout, or pouring that second glass of wine… and not do the deeper work of learning to be with yourself. If you don’t learn how to be with yourself—how to sit with an urge, how to witness your thoughts—you’ll always feel like something’s missing. You’ll always be looking for the next distraction. So if you want to start practicing this, here are three simple steps: 1. Start finding small moments in your day to be alone on purpose. It doesn’t have to be big. It could be while driving, waiting in line, brushing your teeth, folding laundry. These are perfect little windows where you can start noticing your mind without grabbing a distraction. 2. Observe where your thoughts automatically go. When you're not busy, where does your brain drift? Is it gentle? Judgmental? Urgent? Self-critical? That’s your current mental pattern—and becoming aware of it is everything. 3. Practice the think-feel-act cycle. Once you’ve noticed your thoughts, ask: “How does this thought make me feel?” Then: “What do I tend to do when I feel that way?” That’s the moment you step into power. Because when you understand your cycle, you can start to shift it. This is how you build emotional muscle. And that’s the same muscle you’ll use to stay consistent, show up when it’s hard, and create the strong, toned arms—and life—you actually want. Now here’s the truth I want to leave you with: You might discover that being alone doesn’t feel great at first. And that’s okay. But the most important thing to remember is this: Your thoughts are always optional. Always. Just because your brain keeps telling you the same story— “I’m behind.” “I’m too old.” “This isn’t working.” —doesn’t mean it’s true. It just means it’s familiar. Your brain likes familiar. It’s easy. It takes no effort to think “I’m failing,” when you’ve thought it a thousand times before. But here’s the magic: You can teach your brain to think differently—on purpose. And I’m not talking about toxic positivity here. You don’t have to go from “I hate my arms” to “I love everything about my body” overnight. That’s not the point—and honestly, that’s not helpful. What is helpful is learning to shift your focus, even just slightly. If you're walking into the grocery store, instead of thinking about how far you have to go in your journey, maybe you just focus on being proud that you're walking with purpose. If you’re driving, instead of rehashing everything you didn’t get done today, maybe you turn your attention to the people in your life who support you—or the part of your body that showed up for you today. This kind of intentional focus shift? It’s powerful. Because just like you train your arms with reps… You train your mind with practice. And remember: Just because your brain automatically goes somewhere doesn’t mean you have to follow it. You can interrupt it. You can redirect it. You can choose something better. And that’s why cultivating alone time is such a game-changer in this process. If you practice this skill—even in the smallest ways— If you start noticing your thoughts… If you start shifting your focus… You will build a foundation of strength that goes beyond the physical. It will help you stay consistent. It will help you recover faster from setbacks. It will help you trust yourself—really trust yourself. That was the shift that changed everything for me. And I see it change everything for my clients too. So give yourself that gift. Practice being with yourself. Practice checking in with your thoughts. Practice treating your alone time like the powerful reset that it is. This is a skill. And like every skill I teach you—it’s one that will absolutely change your body and your life if you let it. Alright, I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. And if you happen to have a little one in your life—or you just want a beautiful reminder of the power of solitude—look up the book Bear by Himself. It’s sweet, simple, and surprisingly wise. I’ll talk to you next time.