057: The Question Keeping You Stuck

You’re having a conversation with yourself all the time. But what if the questions you’re asking yourself are keeping you stuck? In today’s episode, we dive into one of the most powerful — and overlooked — habits shaping your mindset, your motivation, and your results: the habit of self-questioning. Hey everyone! Welcome to The Arm Coach podcast, episode 57! Today, we're going to talk about a habit that I would bet you have. And that is the habit of asking yourself questions. You and I and everyone I know, we're probably having a conversation with ourselves, just about all the time. We do it all the time, it's part of self talk. And it's a way of thinking things through, sorting things out. It can definitely be helpful if you know how to do it correctly. But it can definitely take you in a direction that you don't really want to go if you don’t know how to do it correctly. So what we're going to talk about today will help you take a look at what you're doing, inside the privacy of your own mind, and we're going to take a look at your self talk. And really take a look at what it is, and how it happens, and how you would define it. And then we're going to look at the questions that you ask yourself. A particular type of self talk. But instead of just beating yourself up about something or patting yourself on the back about something, I think you may be in the habit of asking yourself some questions over and over and over again. We're also going to take a look at the most common question you might ask yourself, which unfortunately happens to be the most negative. And we're also going to take a look at another type of self talk. It's like the next level of self talk. And there's a 50% chance that it could be helpful. And there's also a 50% chance that it could be harmful. And then I'm going to share with you the best type of question you can ask yourself, and how to cultivate it as a habit, and exactly what it would sound like. We're going to look at different ways that you can form questions in your own mind, so that you can actually lead yourself to an answer, instead of running around in a circle of confusion. So let's start with self talk. Self talk is simply our thoughts in our mind about any particular subject. It has a tremendous influence on you. Whether you're aware of it or not. The way that you talk to yourself, is just as if you were thinking or speaking to somebody else. And what you think the things you're saying in your own mind, that's what creates your emotions, your feelings. And when you have emotions, you know, that leads you to what you do. So your thoughts, your self talk, lead you to your feelings, and they lead you to what you do in the world. So what you say to yourself, even if nobody else hears it but you, absolutely counts, And if you're anything like me and everyone else I talk to, you probably have an ongoing conversation with yourself just about all the time. When we meditate, what we're doing is watching those thoughts, that conversation, go through our head, but we're not attaching to it. We're not jumping in and engaging in the conversation. These thoughts that you think, again, again, again, particularly the repetitive ones, they have the ability to literally create your life, whether you are aware of it or not. Everything you do comes from your feelings. And every feeling state is coming from what you're thinking. So you know, at this point, if you've listened to past episodes, that’s the whole purpose of our work together, and these coaching sessions, is to become really conscious. And really intentional with what you're thinking, so that you could have a much bigger say in the results that you're getting. Whether the result is what your number on the scale is, how much muscle is on your body, or how you feel about yourself, or the type of eating that you do or how you take care of yourself. Those thoughts affect everything. Now, you may remember that it used to be pretty popular to say positive affirmations to yourself. And an affirmation is just a sentence in your head, just like any other thought. But an affirmation, in particular, is positive. So, you might remember people buying audios that would say, ‘I am very smart. I am capable. I can handle anything’. You know, they were kind of teaching you a better way of talking to yourself. For most of us, they didn't work. They were not so helpful because no one ever taught you how to uncover the thoughts that you already had in your head, that were unconsciously holding you back. And these old thoughts that you have, without being aware of them, they were in direct opposition to those positive affirmations that you were trying to plant in there now. So we're not going to do that. But what I want you to do now is take a look at your own self talk. And I want you to consider it as being supremely important in your life. And now that you're becoming aware of it going on, you may already be aware of it, but I want you to be aware of it even more. Now you will make it conscious, instead of unconscious. And if your thoughts are more conscious, then you get to decide which ones you follow and which ones you don't. So does that mean that you can now suddenly learn how to control all your thoughts? No, it does not. Thoughts come and go. We can’t control what comes into our mind, but you get to decide what you believe. And you get to decide what you make things mean. And whether you grab onto those thoughts or not. And whether you grab onto them, determines what you do, right? What actions you take. So let's look at one type of self talk. And that is questions, in particular. A type of self talk where you keep asking yourself, usually the same set of questions, over and over again. Why do you do this? Because you're looking for an answer. You're hoping for a good solution. But you're just doing it out of habit. You're not really paying attention to the content of the questions you're asking yourself. And it's easy to become really frustrated, because when you ask these questions, it’s like a continuous beating of yourself. As in when you ask yourself, ‘Why did I blow off my workout? Why did I eat the whole thing? Why did I finish that?’ When you ask yourself a question, your mind will naturally go to look for an answer. But when you ask a bad question, you will most likely get a bad or negative answer. When you ask a good question, you might get something much more useful. The way I see it, is that there are three types of questions you probably ask yourself. One will definitely lead you away from what you want. One has the possibility of helping, but an equal chance of also hurting you. And one will help you solve your problem. Whatever it is. So when it comes to toning your arms, the type of question you ask yourself in your own head, even if nobody hears you, is very important. So let's take a look at the three types of questions, and why they hurt, and why they help. And as I'm talking about this, I want you to look into your own mind, and maybe jot down the types of questions that you are in the habit of asking yourself. Now the first, most common type of question that you probably ask yourself, is the negative question. Why can't I do this? Why can't I lose weight? Why can't I stop eating? Why can't I do what I say I'm going to do? Or why can’t I keep my promises to myself? You ask yourself this simple, little, innocent question. But your brain is like a computer. And it goes to seek the answer in the storage part of your brain. Now your brain doesn't have a good answer if you have never been able to conquer toning your arms or overeating or emotional eating. So your brain instead, has lots of evidence to support the thought, I can’t do this. If you take the question, and take away the question mark and the word why, then you have statements that are beliefs. ‘Why can't I do this’ becomes ‘I can’t do this’. ‘Why can't I stop eating’ becomes, ‘I can't stop eating’. ‘Why can’t I keep my promises’ becomes 'I can't keep my promises’. So with those kind of question, slash, statements, your mind goes to look in the storage part of your brain. And all it finds is evidence. Proof. Examples. And lots of them, why you can’t do whatever it is you're trying to do. And it'll give you an answer. Not a good answer. ‘You can't do this because you're not smart enough’, ‘you can’t do this because something is wrong with you’, ‘you can't do what you say because you are broken’, ‘you can’t keep your promise. You never have and you never will’. This question helps keep you where you are. And where you are is not where you want to stay. So the first thing you want to do is when you catch yourself asking that negative “why” question, ‘Why can't I’, catch yourself, and stop. And we're going to come to the kind of question that you should ask, but first I want to tell you about another question that most likely will not get you where you want to go. It's a next level question. It sounds a little bit better, but it may not be. So the worst question is ‘Why can't I’ blank. The next level question is, ‘Can I?’, Can I tone my arms? Can I lose weight?’ ‘Can I stop eating? Can I do what I say?’ ‘Can I keep my promises?’ ‘Can I stick to a plan?’ The reason this question sounds a little better, is that it kind of gives you hope. Right? It sounds hopeful. But the reality is that 50% of the answer that your brain is going to look for and give you, is negative. Because your brain will go to all that evidence that we just talked about, about why you cannot do this. And that's what it will feed you. Reasons why you can't. Can I? No. Your brain will come up with a no. Now there's a 50% chance that your brain may come up with a yes. But if it searches in your memory banks for evidence to support the belief, Can I do this? Yes, Yes you can. You want to believe it, right? But when you go and look for evidence to back up the belief that you can do whatever you're trying to do, you're not going to find it if you have not been successful yet. So you go from hopeless to hopeful, but it's hard for one to balance out the other. So this question does not really take you where you want to go. So, again, you're going to catch yourself when you ask yourself over and over again, Can I do this? Is it possible? Can I really? Can I trust myself? Can I stick to this? and pause. That's not your helpful question. So when you talk to yourself, remember that everything you're doing up to this point, is learned. You were not born with that question in your mind. You learn that question. You learned Why can't I do this? and you learned Can I do this?. And then you've practiced them again and again and again, until they just became what feels very natural for your internal talk. But I want to give you a better question. A much better question, that if you catch yourself with the other two questions often enough, and you pause and replace them with this question, you will truly be able to change the way you think, which will change the way you feel, which will change what you do. And that's your goal. So the question is not, Why can't I do this? The question is not, Can I do this?. Here's the question. The question is, How can I do this? Or What can I do? With those questions, your brain seeks answers outside of your storage, which only has evidence that you can’t do it. Your brain is like Google. Searching the entire web for proof that this can be done. So even if you have never succeeded before. Even if you have never done this. If you ask, How can I stick to this plan?, and you look for an answer to that question, what you will find are different ways that you could motivate yourself. Different ways that other people have done it, that you might use as role models. If you ask What can I do?, and in a sense, theoretically, not literally, you would be Googling that question, What can I do?, your mind, in this case will come up with all kinds of suggestions for things that you have or haven't tried. But it's giving you possibility. It's giving you hope. It's pointing you in the right direction. And your answers are unlimited. Because the other two questions, limited to what your brain can find evidence for in your reality. In your past. In what you've done. It doesn't matter if you've never done this before. But if you ask those other two questions, Why can't I?, and Can I?, it will be harder to push yourself. It will feel like you are pushing that boulder up the hill. If you ask yourself, How can I do this? or What can I do to get this done?, then it simply becomes a problem to be solved. And a problem to be solved is nothing to be afraid of. And it's not personal, it's not a judgment against you. It's simply a problem to be solved. In general, I don't advise you to ask a lot of Why questions. There are some things that most of us are curious about. We tend to be curious about ourselves, Why do I always do that? Why do I feel this way? Why am I attracted to this kind of person, or this kind of food, or this kind of life? Why do I work so hard? Why can't I work hard? Why questions, keep you ruminating. They keep you wondering. They keep you pondering. But Why questions may not always lead to answers. So this is your focus for now. I want you to take some time, and for a few minutes every day, just do a little check in with yourself. Check in. How are you doing? What's going on? What are you thinking? What are you feeling? You know one of the big ones is, are you hungry? Is it time to eat, or is it not. But instead of just checking in with your body as we do together when we're looking to eat from physical hunger, I want you to focus on what's going on in your head. What are you thinking? And are you asking yourself the same questions over and over again, that are kind of a form of beating yourself up, verbally. I want you to notice those questions, and then don't beat yourself up for having them. It's like a double beating. I want you instead to just notice them and be curious. And you don't have to wonder why you're doing it, because again, that will keep you stuck. But just start reframing the questions from Why do I do this, or Why don't I do this, or Why can't I do this, to How can I do this? or What can I change? That will send you on a much more positive, productive search of different ways that you can solve your problem, no matter what aspect of exercise, or eating or weight, your problem is. I love to hear from you. And if you find that it's helpful and you've caught yourself in a pattern, tell me what you've found your question to be that kept you ruminating and going nowhere. And then tell me what your question is that you've changed it to. And does it feel better? I am very, very sure that it will. But I'd love to hear from you. So that’s it for today! See you all next week!