Episode Transcript
Have you ever looked in the
mirror and felt like your
arms defined you? That no
matter what you’ve achieved
in life, your confidence takes
a hit because your arms
aren’t as toned, sculpted, or
firm as you think they should
be? If that sounds familiar,
this episode is for you.
Hey everyone! Welcome to
The Arm Coach podcast,
episode 55! Now, I've been
thinking about this all day
today after speaking to a
number of clients who all
came to me with the same
underlying issue. And that is
they were judging
themselves primarily by the
way their arms looked. No
matter how they were doing
in life, everything came
back to their arms—how
they looked, how they felt,
whether they were toned
enough. And they were
seemingly unable to get past
this. I'm wondering if you
can relate to this struggle,
and ever have it yourself.
So today, we're going to talk
about the fact that you are
not your arms. You may
think you are. But I'm going
to change your mind. So
give me a few minutes here.
There are so many ways to
define yourself, right? We all
have different roles in our
little universes and we
different things to different
people in our lives. You may
be a sister. You may be a
mother. You may be a co-
worker. You may be a wife.
You may be a partner. You
are a woman or man in the
world. And despite all the
incredible things you have
done, and that you are
capable of, and all the things
you bring to life, you are in
the habit of defining yourself
by the way your arms look
in the mirror.
Now, even worse for
women, we are all taught to
define ourselves with a big
emphasis on how we look.
On our appearance. So that
perceived "flaw"—whether
it's loose skin, lack of tone,
or extra weight—becomes
our value marker. If your
arms jiggle, if they don’t
have the definition you think
they should, you make that
mean something about your
worth. And I want to talk
about this today because this
is so harmful to you, to be
thinking this way. Your arms
are a reflection of how
you've been living. They're a
reflection of how you've
been moving, or not moving.
How you've been nourishing
yourself, or not. And how
you've been loving yourself,
or not loving yourself. We
all started out doing the best
that we could to take care of
ourselves.
And some of you, not
knowing any better, spent
years putting everyone else
first. Maybe your exercise
routine was put on the back
burner. Maybe your nutrition
took a hit. So when you were
down, when you were sad,
when you were confused,
when you were anxious, you
learned from your caregivers
a long time ago that food
would temporarily make you
feel better. And guess what?
It really does. It's temporary,
but it really temporarily does
make you feel better. Maybe
you never learned how to
train your arms properly, or
you assumed that change
was impossible after 50.
Over time, those choices
created the results you see
today. And now those results
keep you in a place that you
don't feel good about. But
here’s what I need you to
hear and think about today:
The way your arms look
right now is only a teensy
tiny part of who you are. I
want you to really think
about this. Judging yourself
solely by the way your arms
look or solely by the number
on the scale, makes no sense.
And it doesn’t feel good. I
really want you to wrap your
brain around stopping and
considering the possibility
that looking and judging
yourself by your reflection is
no longer an option. That's
my goal for you. It's not that
we can't look at our behavior
and look at our life, and
think about how we could
develop ourselves to the next
level. About how we could
embrace some self growth.
But you guys, self growth
and self development cannot
and do not work on the
premise of thinking that
everything is wrong with
you and your world, if your
reflection looks different
than you think it should be.
We need to stop the
judgment. And it needs to
start with you. Looking at
your body through a lens of
judgment, as if everything is
wrong, will not get you the
strong, sculpted arms you
want. Self-improvement
cannot come from self-
criticism. You can’t hate
yourself into having toned
arms.
You can be confident right
now, in the body you have
today. You can love yourself
today, not just when your
arms look the way you think
they should. But first, before
you can stop worrying about
what the world thinks of you
and your reflection, you need
to backup. And you need to
make a decision. A deep
decision, that you're not
going to continue treating
yourself poorly because of
the state of your arms. Or
weight. In fact, and this may
sound like something you
really can't imagine doing or
feeling, but what I’d like you
really to do is make the
decision to love yourself,
and then the world will
follow. People treat us the
way we teach them to treat
us. If we talk in our own
heads to ourselves abusively,
that will show. It will show
in everything you do for
yourself. And that is the
message that you put out
into the world. The world
will take its cue from you. If
you walk around ashamed of
your arms, hiding them,
apologizing for them—
people will pick up on that.
The world is just going to
follow suit. It doesn't know
you. It only knows what you
tell it. What you put out into
the world. But if you decide
that your arms, no matter
their current state, are
worthy of love, strength, and
attention—then that’s the
energy you’ll put into the
world.
You may be thinking, "If I
embrace my arms now, I’ll
never change." And what I'm
saying to you is, that is not
true. It is not true that if you
stop fixating on your arms,
you won’t improve them.
You won't be condoning
everything you do to get to
this state. And it will not
stop you from improving
your habits, your eating, and
your self care. It won't stop
you. But it will make the
journey so much more
pleasant. If anything, taking
the focus off judgment will
make the process easier.
When you stop punishing
yourself, you create space
for real transformation.
In my program Ams By
Kristine, one of the things
we are reminding each other,
is that you can’t hate
yourself into having strong,
healthy arms. You can’t hate
yourself into feeling good.
And let's forget about toning
our arms for a minute. I'm
saying that you can’t hate
yourself into having a good
life. You can't hate yourself
into being happy. I want you
to begin to think that the old
stories that you're telling
yourself, that you'll be happy
when your arms look a
certain way, and right now
you're not, so there's no
choice. You're just gonna
have to suck it up, and
power through it, and keep
your head down and work
hard, and then when you get
more definition, then you
can be nice to yourself. Then
you might consider loving
yourself. But you haven't
earned it yet. That kind of
thinking does not work. And
yet, many of you have this
belief that once you "earn"
toned arms, then you can
feel proud. But not before.
That kind of thinking is
poison in your brain. And
you are the one creating it.
And I’m saying it’s time to
stop. It is time to put those
thoughts away. If you put
away that “mean girl”
behavior inside your head,
you won't stay the same. If
anything, it will be easier for
you to make changes.
Because nobody likes to be
beaten into submission and
be forced to do something.
So let’s talk about a different
way to look at yourself. I
want you to think about
connecting to your body.
That's part of what I do.
That’s what I teach. You
need to connect to your body
to know when to move,
when to stretch, when to eat,
to know when you're hungry,
to know when to sleep, to
know when to give yourself
other types of nourishment,
when to challenge yourself,
and when to rest. You need
to be connected to body. I
want you to put yourself
together, in whatever style
you want, and put yourself
out in the world as your best.
Right now. I want you to
start showing up as your best
self right now—not when
your arms are more toned.
Not when they match some
impossible standard. Right
now. And then, I want you to
move on. I want you to
unfocus on the current state
of your arms. I want you to
take the focus off your
appearance. Your reflection
is temporary. Your reflection
is going to fluctuate based on
lots of different factors. I
want you to shift your focus
from criticism to care. From
shame to strength.
Your arms will change as
you nourish them, challenge
them, and train them. But
that process takes time, it's
just not an overnight fix. So
take care of your body. Take
care of yourself. Put your
best self out in the world at
your current situation, but
then I want you to refocus
on your place in this world. I
want you to start thinking
about the value that you
have, the value in all other
different categories, besides
your arms. Doesn't it even
sound silly to value or
devalue yourself based on
the state of your arms? Your
value in this world is not
measured by your arm
definition. It’s measured by
what you bring to life. By
how you feel, by how you
show up, by how you love
and care for yourself.
Think about what’s in your
heart. What kind of person
you are. What you believe,
who you love, what you are
capable of. Think about who
you are in this world. That is
where your value lies. Not in
whether your arms are tight
or toned enough. Not in
whether your sleeveless top
fits just right. Your arms are
just one part of your
incredible body. And your
body is just one part of your
incredible life.
Judging yourself by your
arms, I want it to be a NO
for you. I want it to be a
non negotiable, NO. That
you start looking at
yourself, just as a valuable
person in the world. As far
as we know, we get one
life. And I want you to
enjoy and value and
appreciate this life that you
have.
I'm trying to give you a little
dose of tough love here
today. To wake you up, and
to start looking at this issue
that we're working, our
arms and weight and size,
as just a problem to be
figured out. That's all it is.
It does not define you. And
I need you to get on board
with that, in order to make
progress in changing the
state of your arms.
How do you start doing
what I'm talking about?
How do you stop focusing
on your current arms and
making your happiness
depend on it? How do you
start shifting your focus?
Well, the first thing I want
you to do, is start
eavesdropping on the way
you talk to yourself about
your arms. I want you to
catch your inner
conversation. Because
your inner conversation, it’s
not a benign, harmless
thing. It determines your
level of happiness. How
you think about yourself.
How you talk to yourself on
a daily basis most of the
time, is going to show up in
your emotions. And your
emotions determine what
you do in this world. So,
imagine if you eavesdrop
on what's going on in your
head. And you hear pretty
bad name calling. And bad
assumptions about what
kind of person you are
because of the way you
think you look. And then
just imagine taking that
conversation, word for
word, and speaking to
someone else that way.
Imagine how long that
person would be your
buddy. Not very long.
I want it to be as
unacceptable as it is for
you to speak that way to
someone else. I want it to
begin to be unacceptable
for you to speak that way
to yourself. So start
listening. Begin to notice
when you do it. You may
be horrified to see that you
do it all day long. Don't be
shocked. I know many
people who do that. And
they're so used to it, they
don't even realize how bad
and how negative it
sounds. So don't beat
yourself on top of beating
yourself. Just notice it and
catch it. And when you do
it, remember, that anything
you've been doing for a
long time, it becomes a
very ingrained habit. It
becomes neurological junk
in your brain. And as soon
as something triggers you
and reminds you of how
you usually think about
yourself, your brains gonna
come up with what you
usually say to yourself.
Even if it's bad. Even if it's
hurtful. Even if it's painful.
Even if it's totally wrong
and inappropriate, once
you do it a number of
times, your brain is going
to think that's what you
need. And it's going to
keep giving you those
suggestions. So just
because those thoughts go
through your head, doesn't
mean they're true. Doesn't
mean they're real. And it
doesn't mean they have
any value. Catch yourself
and halt. Just stop. You
don't have to argue with
what you're saying. You
don't have to dispute it.
You don't have to say ‘yes
but I am a good person’.
Just catch yourself and just
stop with one little phrase.
Something like ‘No. No
more.’ Or ‘that's not
negotiable. I don't talk to
myself that way anymore.’
Now, what if you feel
judgment from other people
because of your arms? First,
make sure you’re not
imagining it.
In other words, make sure
that you're not projecting
how you feel about
yourself, and assuming
that the rest of the world
agrees with you.
Remember, people take
their cue from us on what
we think of ourselves.
That's what they tend to
think of us. Now I'm not
saying that the world we
live in does not have
prejudices. It does. But we
don't really want to be with
people who are like that
towards other people. So I
want you to think about
how much you really want
that kind of person in your
life. This is something that
you can decide. But first,
you have to be on board.
So the big message for
today, is you cannot hate
yourself and try to change
yourself. And I wouldn't
advise hating yourself,
even if you don't want to to
change yourself. Because
it feels awful. And you're in
this life to be the best you
that you can be. And does
that extend to your
physical body? Sure! Yes,
you want to be healthy. You
want to feel good. You
want to live the best life
you can live. But can you
hate yourself until you get
there? I'm sorry, but that
does not work. And I want
you to start deciding that
you treating yourself badly,
because your arms look a
certain way, is not
acceptable anymore. It's
just not acceptable.
So here's what I want you
to focus on. Start noticing
the conversation. Start
deciding what's okay and
what's not okay. And guess
what? It's not going to feel
natural. It feels natural to
beat yourself up. It's not
going to feel natural to
stop. That's okay. That's
how we change, by first
noticing things.
So that's it for today on
this subject. This subject is
like a big underlying
subject of everything else.
Please think about it. I'm
trying to help you figure out
how you want to feel,
starting now. Not when
your arms are “better”.
Right now.That's what will
make everything else
easier.
See you all next week!
