Episode Transcript
As you work on toning your arms, you will be faced with
challenges. Life is full of stresses and obstacles that can derail
your progress.
But it is possible to avoid getting off track, and it’s not by having
more willpower.
Today we’ll uncover how to create lasting change to your
exercising and eating habits despite all the obstacles life throws
your way.
Hey Everyone! Welcome back to The Arm Coach Podcast,
episode 41!
We are going to be talking about what derails change.
I talk a lot about the skills that you need to master. The skills that
people start learning, and practicing, and working with me, when
they join Arms By Kristine. The skills of learning how to set a
commitment, and follow through, and what happens when you
don’t follow through, and learning how to fail well, on purpose.
Because perfection is not the secret to change. In fact, if you think
that being perfect is how you’re going to sculpt your arms, and
how you’re going to change your relationship to weights and sugar
and flour, you’re sorely mistaken, doesn’t work that way.
Let’s talk about this skill of really learning how to manage your
mind. Sometimes I talk about it like a toddler versus a parent,
your lower brain is a toddler, the parent is your higher brain,
they’re always going to be in conflict, I am always in conflict with
my three-year-old granddaughter.
She has a lot of ideas about what she wants, and what she likes,
and how she wants to do things. It’s my job as a grandparent to
supervise her on occasion.
So, you’re going to have that kind of tension between the toddler
and the parent inside of you. That’s normal. We’re not trying to
get rid of the toddler. We’re just trying to be like, “Hey, I got you, I
can help you manage this in a more helpful way.” You’ve got to
master the skill of making your urges harmless, making your
urges no big deal, taking the power out of them.
That starts with understanding why you think they’re powerful.
Why you think that saying no to an urge is awful. It’s not awful.
It’s totally fine. It’s not a big deal. We often talk about this
technique, that we use inside Arms By Kristine, which is like,
“Hey, urge. Hi, I see you.” And, it sounds so silly. When I
introduce it to people, they’re kind of like, “Wait, what?”
We’re so used to going to war, and we’re so used to distracting,
and we’re so used to trying to just make our urges go away, in this
belief that if we didn’t have any urges, it wouldn’t be a problem.
Right? That would actually be the solution. But listen, we’re not
going to get rid of urges.
What we can do, however, is make them harmless. What we can
do, is make them pass incredibly quickly. Part of how we do that,
is by welcoming them, “Hey, I see you. I was expecting you. No big
deal. You’re welcome.” It’s amazing how that shift, that little shift,
of just welcoming an urge and being curious about it really can
change everything.
Then of course, it’s practicing the think-feel-act cycle, and
understanding how do I get these thoughts in my head, out of my
head onto paper so I can build awareness, and I can start to see
what they’re creating for me, and I can learn how to change them
in a believable way.
There are so many things that can derail the process of change,
and I want to talk a little bit about what I have found those things
to be.
What I have found actually derails change and has people quit on
themselves and give up, is maybe not what you’re expecting. Some
of this will sound familiar to you, but some of it might be a little
less familiar to you.
It really is because I utilize the work we do on our arms and don’t
just think that it’s about lifting weights and food. I utilize the work
on our arms in relationship to your entire life, and your
relationship to your body, and your relationship to yourself, and
your relationship to other habits.
I think that’s one of the things why this work is so powerful, and
so transformative, and creates lasting change. We’re not just
fixated on exercise and nutrition. We’re not just thinking that’s
the only piece of the puzzle. “I just have to understand why I keep
skipping workouts, and how to say no to sugar and flour more.”
You have to understand it in the broader context of yourself, and
your life, and your relationships.
One of the very first things that I see derail people, and frankly,
this used to derail me quite a bit, is I would unconsciously, habit
switch, whenever I would say no. So, I would decide, “Okay, I’m
not eating sugar tonight. I’m not eating sugar this week, or this
weekend,” or whatever. I’d make some kind of rule for myself.
Then, I would feel a lot of deprivation.
And then, I was like, “Well, but I mean, I can have some extra
food, right? I can have the extra serving. I can have the extra
serving because I’m being so good over here. Don’t I deserve to be
a little bad in this other part of my life?” Habit switching is very,
very common. It is very common, because when you understand
how a habit works inside of you, when you understand that it is
connected to how you’re feeling, just because you said no to sugar
doesn’t mean that all those feelings that you may have been
reaching for sugar to deal with, just magically disappear. Right?
If you have been using cookies, or you have been walking in the
pantry and grabbing snacks, because you’re feeling stressed, or
because you want to signal that you’re done for the day, or you
don’t want to think anymore... If you’ve been using sugar because
you feel bored, if you’ve been using it because it just feels more
comfortable in social situations when you have a glass of wine in
your hand, What you start to understand is, “Oh, just because I
said no to sugar, those emotions didn’t go away.”
If you’re not looking at the bigger picture, if you’re not
understanding, “Okay, so then what? If it’s not all just about
sugar, but I actually have to pay attention to how I’m feeling and
what my desire has really been about...” If you don’t do that work,
then of course, you’re going to habit switch.
Of course, your brain is just gonna be like, “Okay, well, I guess
we’re not allowed to eat sugar. So, what are we allowed to do?
How can I deal with this stress? How can I deal with this
boredom? How can I deal with feeling uncomfortable?” Now, I’m
not saying that eating is always for this reason. But this is a big
thing that happens for a lot of people. And, it can feel very
demoralizing.
It’s like, “I came here to get healthier and to feel better. And now,
I’m shopping more. What’s that all about? I don’t like that.” Or, “I
came here because I wanted to lift weights after work. I wanted to
enjoy my workouts more instead of just zoning out on the couch
in front of Netflix, with plate of Oreos. But now, I find that I’m so
fixated on distracting myself, I’m kind of making excuses to stay
longer at work.”
I remember doing this a lot, that it was like, “Okay, no. I’m not
going to go to this happy hour. I’m just going to stay here and
keep working.” That is not the goal, people. The goal is not to be
like, “Okay, I just gotta find things to keep myself busy, that I
actually don’t want to be doing either.”
That’s one of the very first things that we introduce in Arms By
Kristine, is this idea of habit switching. We introduce it in the first
advanced class called, Avoiding Numbing. It is this idea that when
you commit to lifting weights and cutting back on sugar and flour,
not only does it give you a window into your mind, which is a
really good thing, but if you don’t understand how the habits are
connected to how you feel, then it’s very easy to switch into other
habits, like, online shopping or keeping yourself busy around the
clock, or zoning out in front of screens.
We go through a whole host of how this can show up differently
for different people. In order to avoid this trap, you have to learn
how to respond differently to your emotions and your body. This
is a big thing.
In Arms By Kristine, we’re really focusing on your mind. Your
mind is incredibly important, don’t get me wrong, we need to
really have a window into it, you need to have awareness, you
need to be able to see think-feel-act cycle unfold. But if you think
that you’re going to change workout and eating habits, only from
the place of your mind, you are wrong.
You cannot ignore your body, especially for all of you out there
who are like, “Listen, I don’t want to stop eating sugar forever. I
just want to eat more consciously. I just want to be able to control
myself.” If you think that you’re going to be able to do that and
ignore your body, you are very wrong.
So, that first thing that we are introducing in Arms By Kristine...
That first thing we see as the biggest inflection point, where
people can get offtrack, is if they aren’t, not only, understanding
habit switching, but if they’re just purely trying to do this work
from the place of their mind and the place of their thoughts. And
ignoring, “You know what? We feel our emotions in our body. Our
body actually has quite a bit of information to give us about what
feels good, when it comes to food and exercise, and what does
not.” And when your body has had enough... That’s a huge
question, just in and of itself. For all of you out there, right now,
you can ask yourself, “Okay, so this second serving, is it my mind
that wants it, or my body?” Most people don’t even really think in
that way. But once you start thinking, like, “Oh, is my mind
desiring it? Or, is my body desiring it?” It really starts to shift
things for you.
The next thing that derails people; stress and overwhelm. This is
why so many people, I always laugh, but so many people are like,
“Kristine it’s just not the right time. It’s not the right time for me
to join Arms By Kristine. I got too much going on.” Or, what will
happen a lot, is people will sign up. They’ll be on like, day three,
and they’ll write into our customer support team, and it’s like,
“Oh, my God, this thing happened at my kid’s school. This thing
happened to my partner. My elderly parent is in the hospital. We
just found out that we have to move to a new city.”
It’s so fascinating because they’ll write in, and they’ll be like, “I
just... This was not the right time. I made a bad decision to sign
up.” And, I’m always like, “No, no. This is the perfect time,”
because if you think that you are just going to be successful when
everything’s going right in your life, guess what’s going to
happen? You’re never going to learn how to be successful when
the crap hits the fan. You’re never going to learn how to be
successful, and how to say no to your urges, when you have a lot of
stress and overwhelm.
When you have a lot of stress and overwhelm, that is the time for
you to double down. Because that’s when you’re really learning
how to do this work, not when everything is perfect, and
everything’s going according to plan, and everything is lovely. I
mean, that’s what we think. That’s when we think is the time to
change a habit, “I’ve just got to wait until my calendar clears.”
No, you have to do this work in the midst of real life. And you
know what? Real life means that you’re going to deal with stress
and overwhelm, we cannot delete it. We can’t delete it, but we can
teach you a new way to manage it.
We can teach you how to manage it, especially if you’ve been
dealing with stress and overwhelm by just being on this path of, “I
gotta do. I gotta do. I gotta do.” Then, you’re exhausted at the end
of the day and it’s like, “Okay, where’s my reward? Today was
terrible.”
You can start to learn a new way to manage it. But that idea, that
stress and overwhelm is somehow a problem, no, it’s really your
practice. It’s your practice of learning how to show up differently
with those two emotions, that so often derail people.
It’s like, “Everything was going well, you know? And then, I lost
my job. Everything was going well, and then I got this message
from my kid at college. And it just, you know, threw me for a
loop.” No, those are the times... That’s the time when you have to
be teaching your brain a new way to deal with stress and
overwhelm.
Another area that often derails people, I talk about this a lot, I
think it is so important, is this idea of feeling very healthy but
suffering for your health. Feeling like, “I’m being so good. I’m
lifting weights. I’m eating so much less sugar, but I’m not enjoying
myself as much.” That is a huge piece of the puzzle.
I think so often, we really mislead people, and try to tell them that
they should be so proud of the choices that they’re making, So
proud of all the good that they’re doing for their body, And
ignoring the fact that humans were designed to seek pleasure.
Pleasure is not a bad thing. Pleasure is a good thing. And we want
pleasure.
There is a part of your brain, called your “lower brain,” that’s just
like a whole part of its mission, find pleasure. And so, if you feel
like, when you are saying no to screen time or sugar, you will have
less pleasure, that is a problem.
That problem cannot be solved by saying, “Yeah, but I’m so
healthy and I’m being so good. Look at this streak I have. Look at
all these gold stars.” That’s what I thought for the longest time. “I
just need to collect enough gold stars, then this desire for pleasure
is gonna go away.” No, you need pleasure. Pleasure is a good
thing. You just need to learn how to cultivate it.
That’s what we’re not shown how to do. We’re not shown how to
cultivate pleasure; we’re shown how to consume pleasure. We
don’t even realize that pleasure is something that we can create
and enhance. It’s something that is available to us in every
moment. I want you to think about that.
Pleasure is available to you in every moment. Notice how your
brain wants to fight and be like, “You don’t know what my
moment is like.” Pleasure is always there. The problem is, we
don’t realize it’s a skill. We think that it’s, “Yeah, I drink my
pleasure, and I eat my pleasure, and I watch my pleasure, and I
buy my pleasure.” Instead of, “Oh, no. I’m the creator of my
pleasure.” That piece cannot be ignored.
Nor can, reconnecting to your body. This is another thing that
often derails a lot of people. If you’re constantly at war with your
physical self, guess what? It’s exhausting. I think that this is so
important. And so often, a missed piece of the puzzle.
I didn’t realize, for the longest time, how I have this constant
undercurrent of feeling kind of discouraged, or disconnected, or
confused, or let down or unhappy with my body. I was always
looking at it and thinking, immediately, what needed to change,
and what needed a fix, or what I needed to fix, and what was
wrong with it, and how it wasn’t performing the way that I
thought it should.
I had this undercurrent of being disappointed by my body, both
its appearance and, also, its performance. Like, “Why are you sick
again? Why do you feel this way? Why do you have this headache?
Why are you so tired? I had this really antagonistic relationship
with my body.
And here’s the thing, when you’re constantly at this low-level
unhappiness, or confusion, or let-down, or disappointed by your
body it’s very difficult to break the habit of skipping workouts and
overeating. Now, many people will be like, “I don’t even
understand. How is this connected?” But remember, we cannot
just change habits from the source of your mind, you have to
change it from your body, as well.
But if you don’t like your body, if you don’t want to listen to your
body, because you feel like, “I can’t trust my body.” Or it lets me
down a lot. Or, if you’re just having this undercurrent of
constantly having these small, little judgments throughout the
day, it will add up. You will find yourself looking for relief.
This is especially true, for a lot of people, with social interactions.
It’s like getting ready to go out. I remember this, so intensely,
getting ready to go out was so uncomfortable for me. That’s why I
started pre-gaming. That’s why I often started drinking before I
even left the house. Because in getting ready to go out, not only
was I having the anxiety about, “Okay, I don’t really know people
there. What am I going to talk about? This is just going to be
weird,” but I was also having that low-level discontent about how
I looked and what I was wearing, and what were other people
going to wear.
It all sounds so silly, but that really was something that fed the
habit of overeating for me, and could feed the habit for a lot of
people. If you think that you can ignore your body, when it comes
to changing your exercise and nutrition or changing your
relationship with sugar, you just simply can’t.
Relationships is another area where so many people get derailed.
Here’s the thing, when you put other people’s happiness ahead of
your own, your relationship with exercise and food will always be
about what other people want you to do, rather than what’s right
for you.
I did this for a very long time. I would hate it. I’d go out to dinner
with a friend, and be like, “Oh, I’m not drinking.” Or like, “I’m not
going to have dessert,” and they’d be like, “Oh, come on, Kristine,
just have a little fun. Don’t make me eat and drink alone.” I hated
letting people down. I often put other people’s needs ahead of my
own.
And, guess what? That showed up in my arms and eating.
Learning how to have those kinds of healthier relationships and
also, without going to the extreme of, “I just need to cut these
people out of my life.” I feel like that’s, a lot of times, what ends up
happening.
We think, “Oh, I just gotta get rid of them. I don’t know how to set
these boundaries or it’s uncomfortable for me to set these
boundaries, So what I’m going to do, is just not ever be around the
person.” The problem with that is, guess what? There’s going to be
future people. There’s going to be future people that you feel
uncomfortable... If you’re not good at setting boundaries, if it
makes you feel uncomfortable, just isolating yourself and cutting
people out of your life is not going to be a good long-term
solution.
There are so many other things, so many other things, that we
focus on when it comes to what can derail you, and your process
to change. Sometimes, it is your ability to feel confident. Teach
your brain, “You know what? I don’t need food and drink to feel
attractive, or outgoing, or feel like the fun version of myself.”
When you have all these stories about what food and especially
alcohol does for you, what you don’t realize is you start to create
this idea in your mind that it’s essential.
I, for the longest time, had this belief that when I drank, fun
Kristine came out. So, it was very hard for me to let go of the idea
of drinking. Because then I was like, “But what about fun,
Kristine? I want her.” It wasn’t like, “Okay. So, the solution is I
just have to say no and let go of the idea of fun Kristine? It’s like
How do I figure out how to be her?”
How do I be that version of myself that I wanted to be, and be
silly, and spontaneous, and not worry what other people thought,
and be the first person on the dance floor? How do I step into her,
without feeling like I need to be three drinks in?
Another thing is owning your time, this is huge. Feeling like you
are at the mercy of the clock, and that might feel like, “I’m at the
mercy of the clock, because I don’t have enough time in the day.”
Or, that might feel like, “I’m at the mercy of the clock because I
have too much time. I have too much time on my hands.” It’s so
fascinating how it can play out either way for people.
That’s why you will search out relief. feeling like, “Oh my god, I
just... there’s so much I needed to do, and I didn’t get done. My
day was crazy. Where’s my relief?” Or, “Oh my god, I can’t believe
I have the whole night ahead of me, or the whole weekend ahead
of me. What am I going to do? Let’s find some relief.”
Learning how to take ownership of your time so that you’re not
constantly chasing after more, or trying to escape the present
moment, is so important. Again, I just want you to think about
this. This has nothing to do with quantity. We’re talking about
time here. But it’s so important for lasting change.
We have a whole thing about Releasing shame and regret. That’s
another huge thing that can derail people. I see this happen all the
time.
People will join and be months into Arms By Kristine. They’ll say,
“You know what, everything has changed for me. I feel like a
totally different person. I have a totally different relationship with
myself, have a totally different relationship with lifting weights
and food. I feel in control for the first time. I really like who I am.
But I can’t shake how I feel about the past. I can’t get rid of the
shame that I have about how I didn’t take care of body and some
of my overeating. Or, how I hurt people by avoiding them. Or, the
things that I did or ate when I was on a binge.”
They hold on to that pain. They hold on to this discomfort. The
problem is... So often what happens, and by the way, this was me
too, so often what happens is we think that, “If I can just be a good
enough person now, I’m going to be able to release that shame
and regret at some point.” But you know what? It doesn’t work
that way. You have to actually learn how to let go of shame,
without trying to go back in the past and change things.
You have to learn how to let go of regret, without pretending like
it didn’t happen. Or, trying to be a totally unflawed version of
yourself now. This piece is so important. This was one of the most
challenging things for me, “How do I let go of that shame and
regret that I had?”
And then, mastering self-care. This is another piece. If you have
gotten in the habit of using screens and sugar as a way to take
care of yourself, then how are you actually going to change your
relationship with self-care? What does that actually look like?
And in fact, can you have a totally different idea about self-care
instead of bubble baths? What if it is about how you talk to
yourself? What are the true tenets of self-care for you? How do
you create your own unique self-care handbook? You can’t just
hope that you’re going to know how to take care of yourself in the
moment, you actually have to create a little handbook for yourself.
There are so many ways in which you can be derailed on this
journey, unnecessarily. And, it happens because people have this
very incredibly narrow view of, “We should just talk about arms
and lifting weights. It should just be about saying yes or saying
no,” when, in fact, we need to look at the entire picture of your
life.
We need to look at your relationship with yourself, and other
people, and time, and your body. We need to understand your
relationship with your emotions, we need to look at all of it. We
need to understand how you’re feeling about the past, the goals
that you’re setting for the future, the ways in which you take care
of yourself, the ways in which you make yourself feel confident
and amazing, the ways in which you’re building pleasure into your
life. All of that goes into lasting change.
A lot of times people will look at these lessons, and they’ll be kind
of surprised because they think, “Whoa. What does that have to
do with sculpting arms?” But that’s the point, we have such a
narrow view.
That narrow view is what is actually making it so you’re not
having lasting change, because you’re so fixated on just the arms.
And, “Did I say yes, or did I say no? What was the quantity, and
how much?” I want you to see that change, at the deepest level,
has to take everything in your life into consideration.
That’s how you evolve to the next level of yourself. That’s how you
transform, and that will change everything for you. You don’t
need to be derailed on the process of change. You just need to
start understanding that the process of change takes in everything
in your life. You have to look at the complete picture. That’s what
will make a difference.
Alright, that’s it for today, and we’ll see you next week.
